Return of the King

Solzaire writes about the return of his biggest role models since childhood, the one and only Mithun-da, to the silver screen. You may remember him (Mithun-da, not Solzaire) from such memorable movies as Gunda, Military-raaj, Dalal and other such brain-smashing masterpieces.

He got the Asterix Lifetime Achievement Award for his all-round performance in the timeless classic "Gunda", where he played the role of a coolie in a trolley-deprived airport with the characterstic aplomb that is now synonymous with his name. His lesser achievements include a handful of National Awards that he received a few years back.

Until I saw Gunda, my knowledge of the Supreme Lord was limited to movies such as Disco Dancer (with the famous song - I am a disco dancer..teenu eeennu...I am a disco dancer...teenu eeenu.. zindagi mera pyaar....ad nauseum) and Agneepath (haaaii saalaaa). Like an ignorant impatient movie goer, so far I had dismissed the God without witnessing the gamut of performances that he had under his sleeve. I was but a fool in darkness.

And so my friends ordered me to watch Gunda. And therefore I saw Gunda. And then there was light. And God was happy. And I was his blind disciple thence.

Like Hobbes eating his first can of tuna, and an adolescent watching his first porn flick, I wanted more. So I scoured the web for news about Prabhu-da and single-handedly pushed "Mithun + movie" to the most googled query on the web. And at last my patience was rewarded by Chingaari.

Chingaari. What a word. Apart from the reference to a possible arson sequence in the movie, the word also has sexual connotations. Remember the song, "Chingaari koi bhadke...la la la ...sawan jo aag lagaye use kaun bujhaaye?". So far it seems like the movie was being released only to pander to depraved souls like me, who have just lost their Prabhu-virginity and are clamouring for more of such action.

However, more googling and active surfing led to some disturbing news. Chingaari, it seems, is directed by a woman director Kalpana Lazmi. Well I have two serious issues with that. Not that I am a sexist. Heck! I fully support sex in all its forms. Well, my first problem is that a woman director may develop moral issues while directing a Mithun-flick that obviously requires one to shed his/her inhibitions at the front door. In layman terms, it means (a) no blouse ripping (unless it is done tastefully) (b) no assaults on any women-folk (read - Mithun's dear sister) unless the story cannot move ahead, and (c) absolutely no double entendres and crass dialogues.

Now a person like me can live without the first two. Ok not completely, but I will live to fight another day. But what good is a Mithun-movie without the rhyming double meaning waale dialogues ? "Hi, I am Bulla" doesn't quite cut the cake when you compare it with "Mera naam hai Bulla, main karta hoon khullam khulla". And Bulla's orgasmic "Main tujhe maar doongaaaaaaaa" beats "Tu mere haathon marega" hands down.

My second problem is that being a serious director, she may actually try to inject some sense into the script. I mean what the hell man! First she will take away the skin-fest, then the dialogues, but now she will also take away the comical element of the movie which is the only common theme in an otherwise incoherent script. It is ok with me if she doesn't show the villain laying his dirty hands on Prabhu-ji's sister. But atleast let the sister say that she was on her way to college, when clearly she is in the middle of a 100 sqkm patch of grassy meadow.
Well, with a name that rhymes with Shabana Azmi, what else can you expect other than rhyme and reason. Correction. Make that just reason.

So with all hope of a good comeback movie lost beyond retrieval, I read this article about the "behind the scenes" dealings of the movie. Rediff reported that during the filming of a rape sequence in the movie, my dear Lord Shree Shree Mithun-ji (Calcutta-waale) inappropriately touched Sushmita Sen. Now I was delighted. Not because Sush was touched, but because the skin-fest was back on! The irony of the unsolicited touching in a rape sequence was however not lost. The reporters went to town about this sleazy piece of news and digged up dirt about Mithun's B-grade movies, which therefore explained his B-style behaviour. However, as a loyal fan, I wish to defend his position through this open letter.

Prabhuji,

Shat Shat Pranaam.

Just read the groping news in the tabloids. Journalism at its worst.
In my mind, however, the picture is crystal clear. Oh Lord of all Lords, if you are testing my belief, then be assured that no amount of your touching any woman (or man) will cause my faith to waver. However, I do know that in all probability, you were so immersed in your character, as the rapist and wot-not, that you forgot where the boundaries ended. Such a pioneer of method acting! How will these imbeciles understand, what it takes to be a multiple National Award winner? Haaaiii saalaaa !!

O mighty king! this news has bolstered my faith, and pretty soon, I shall witness thy rock-solid performance in Chingari on the big screen. That, my sire, is my dream.

I have given my heart to thee, and my brain to the gutters.
Humbly,
Asterix