Saturday, July 07, 2007

The real reason behind the caste system

The forefathers had it right. I am talking, of course, about YOUR forefathers who were busy expanding the Indus Valley Civilization, and not mine who were busy trying not to fall off their horses while riding from Central Asia to Harappa. The former did it right by dividing the populace into four sections or castes, although it can be debated that Aldous Huxley had that idea first, as described in the Brave New World. But for the time being, we will assume that the forefathers had not read this book, having passed it off as yet another piece of literary trash from the decadent West.

The Vedas tell us the story of why the people were divided into these sections. However, I always had this lingering doubt about how easy and simple that description was. After dedicating myself to seconds and minutes of deep research, I think I am ready to claim my fifteen minutes of fame by unmasking the real reason behind the caste system. And the real reason, ladies and gentlemen hold your breath, is --- Chicks. Sigh! yes, even in the ancient times, they were the root cause of all problems. And to understand how, let us look at the four castes separately.

  1. The so-called Shudras. These guys were freaking hot! They were the plumbers, auto-mechanics, electricians, telephone-repairmen and cable TV installers of that era. It was no surprise that they developed bulging muscles, taut bodies and glowing tans that would make David Hasselhoff wear a skirt in shame. Obviously, chicks used to dig these alpha males and the Brahmins tried to bury them back. And we all know how the rest of the guys feel when one of us lands a bombshell as a girlfriend. So, these poor chaps were perenially persecuted by the rest of the society.
  2. The Vaishyas. These were the wannabe Shudras. However, their bodies paled in comparison because they were averse to physical labour, and they had no tan to show off. One thing that they had, however, was brains. I say this with great objectivity and not because I am supposedly a Vaishya myself. And so, these guys had wisely discovered that the only way to get chicks was to be good at making money. They were the Wall Street types, with trophy wives, club memberships and tickets to the Derbies. The rest of the chaps hated them as much then as we do now when we see a gorgeous babe with an orang-utang. Such girls were not highly regarded either, being referred to as a Vaishyaa (one who puts out for a Vaishya). Even now, this term causes girls to wince and guys to queue up outside the door.
  3. The Kshatriyas. Awarded with neither brains nor brawn, these chaps resorted to arms and violence. Resorting to bride-napping and multiple marriages, they made sure that their surnames survived. Nowadays we see them driving convertibles (physical inadequacy anyone?) and joining the Navy, at sea for ten months and beating jack-rabbits at their own game in the remaining two. They became the gun-toting, ever fighting warriors of that age. The term Kshatriya has its origins in the word Chattri, which is Hindi for umbrella, then used as a weapon to poke at Vaishyas and Shudras. Later on, Chattri became a synonym for the condom, which again, is a weapon of mass destruction when not used. Coincidence? I think not. So point is that these chappies dealt with weapons throughout their lives. And it did not help their frayed nerves that they had to explain to everyone that the "K" in Kshatriya was silent.
  4. The Brahmins. I will be blunt. These guys had absolutely no way to get laid. They had neither the muscles, nor the brains and Kshatriyas had called first dibs on arms. Consequently, these poor blokes did what anyone else in their position would have done --- pray like hell to the Lord. However, fate was never in their favour. It turned out that their Lord was Brahma, who because of all the prayers, developed a hard-on for these guys. Hence the name Brahmin (Brahma's-"men"). So, striking out in all directions, and being pursued by Brahma from above, these guys went into depression. They resorted to gluttony and thus were able to maintain a body weight atleast six times their age. Pot-bellies came into fashion and wrinkles were hidden behind layers of tilak. Some of them became ballistic and resorted to arson and pyrotechnics. Ofcourse, those were called yagyas at that time, which also doubled up as rave parties of the era. There was no respite for these guys, and ultimately most of them were forced into becoming life-long bachelors, a not-so-voluntary practice then known as Brahmcharya. Legend goes that every one out of hundred of these Brahmcharya-practitioners were awarded with a belly-dancer (locally known as Apsara), and 1/100 were better odds than what the rest of the Brahmins suffered.
To conclude, I hope that I have convinced you of this theory, with ample examples and proofs littered all over this post. This theory also explains various traits and practices of that society as we know them. In my next post, I will propose a new caste system, one that is representative of our times.

Acknowledgements: This research was supported by Kingfisher, who supplied beer cans, Pepe Lopez, who supplied tequila, and Samsung who provided the refridgeration.