Saturday, July 07, 2007

The real reason behind the caste system

The forefathers had it right. I am talking, of course, about YOUR forefathers who were busy expanding the Indus Valley Civilization, and not mine who were busy trying not to fall off their horses while riding from Central Asia to Harappa. The former did it right by dividing the populace into four sections or castes, although it can be debated that Aldous Huxley had that idea first, as described in the Brave New World. But for the time being, we will assume that the forefathers had not read this book, having passed it off as yet another piece of literary trash from the decadent West.

The Vedas tell us the story of why the people were divided into these sections. However, I always had this lingering doubt about how easy and simple that description was. After dedicating myself to seconds and minutes of deep research, I think I am ready to claim my fifteen minutes of fame by unmasking the real reason behind the caste system. And the real reason, ladies and gentlemen hold your breath, is --- Chicks. Sigh! yes, even in the ancient times, they were the root cause of all problems. And to understand how, let us look at the four castes separately.

  1. The so-called Shudras. These guys were freaking hot! They were the plumbers, auto-mechanics, electricians, telephone-repairmen and cable TV installers of that era. It was no surprise that they developed bulging muscles, taut bodies and glowing tans that would make David Hasselhoff wear a skirt in shame. Obviously, chicks used to dig these alpha males and the Brahmins tried to bury them back. And we all know how the rest of the guys feel when one of us lands a bombshell as a girlfriend. So, these poor chaps were perenially persecuted by the rest of the society.
  2. The Vaishyas. These were the wannabe Shudras. However, their bodies paled in comparison because they were averse to physical labour, and they had no tan to show off. One thing that they had, however, was brains. I say this with great objectivity and not because I am supposedly a Vaishya myself. And so, these guys had wisely discovered that the only way to get chicks was to be good at making money. They were the Wall Street types, with trophy wives, club memberships and tickets to the Derbies. The rest of the chaps hated them as much then as we do now when we see a gorgeous babe with an orang-utang. Such girls were not highly regarded either, being referred to as a Vaishyaa (one who puts out for a Vaishya). Even now, this term causes girls to wince and guys to queue up outside the door.
  3. The Kshatriyas. Awarded with neither brains nor brawn, these chaps resorted to arms and violence. Resorting to bride-napping and multiple marriages, they made sure that their surnames survived. Nowadays we see them driving convertibles (physical inadequacy anyone?) and joining the Navy, at sea for ten months and beating jack-rabbits at their own game in the remaining two. They became the gun-toting, ever fighting warriors of that age. The term Kshatriya has its origins in the word Chattri, which is Hindi for umbrella, then used as a weapon to poke at Vaishyas and Shudras. Later on, Chattri became a synonym for the condom, which again, is a weapon of mass destruction when not used. Coincidence? I think not. So point is that these chappies dealt with weapons throughout their lives. And it did not help their frayed nerves that they had to explain to everyone that the "K" in Kshatriya was silent.
  4. The Brahmins. I will be blunt. These guys had absolutely no way to get laid. They had neither the muscles, nor the brains and Kshatriyas had called first dibs on arms. Consequently, these poor blokes did what anyone else in their position would have done --- pray like hell to the Lord. However, fate was never in their favour. It turned out that their Lord was Brahma, who because of all the prayers, developed a hard-on for these guys. Hence the name Brahmin (Brahma's-"men"). So, striking out in all directions, and being pursued by Brahma from above, these guys went into depression. They resorted to gluttony and thus were able to maintain a body weight atleast six times their age. Pot-bellies came into fashion and wrinkles were hidden behind layers of tilak. Some of them became ballistic and resorted to arson and pyrotechnics. Ofcourse, those were called yagyas at that time, which also doubled up as rave parties of the era. There was no respite for these guys, and ultimately most of them were forced into becoming life-long bachelors, a not-so-voluntary practice then known as Brahmcharya. Legend goes that every one out of hundred of these Brahmcharya-practitioners were awarded with a belly-dancer (locally known as Apsara), and 1/100 were better odds than what the rest of the Brahmins suffered.
To conclude, I hope that I have convinced you of this theory, with ample examples and proofs littered all over this post. This theory also explains various traits and practices of that society as we know them. In my next post, I will propose a new caste system, one that is representative of our times.

Acknowledgements: This research was supported by Kingfisher, who supplied beer cans, Pepe Lopez, who supplied tequila, and Samsung who provided the refridgeration.

29 comments:

Tweety said...

Hmmm.... So what was your point :-)

Why is the caste system bothering you so much ;-)

And yeah... me seriously waiting to read about the caste system you plan to propose. Coz that means, Ill get one topic to blog about :)

Cheers,
Tweety

Solzaire said...

akele akele? bulaya bhi nahin - akele hi intellectual ban raha hai

Mudra said...

Lol... how frustrated are you?!

Scout said...

This was really funny. How did the caste system affect women tho, you don't delve into that?

Anonymous said...

Good one Dude. Seems going to mumbai has got ur funny bone going

Jai Maharashtra!
Manish

Asterix said...

@tweety: Caste system is bothering me so much because inspite of being a Vaishya I am not getting any action! It might have to do something about not having enough money, but still.

@solzaire: Me? Intellectual? Are you sure you got the right number? :)

@mudra: Very :)

@scout: Thanks! Women, like always, will eternally remain a mystery to me.

@manish: This post was written in Delhi ;-) Jai Haryana anyone? :)

Mudra said...

@asterix: Delhi is not in Haryana. Hah!

Anonymous said...

Yeah..awesome blog!Excellent anecdotes:)..You surely have the brains..
the only blog that I liked after the 'Gunda' one..

Asterix said...

@mudra: Delhi is surrounded on 3 sides by Haryana. Where is it gonna run and hide? UP? I didnt think so either :)

@anon: Thanks a lot!

Anonymous said...

forgot to send this link inmy comment..watch joey..he's way too good!:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DX33ow_YBWA

acidity said...

You are now officially my no.2 blogger after Greatbong. Awesome post. I have been trying to add to my RSS feed for last one year but was always too lazy (as a geek would be) to so but today, you are added in my feed!

Asterix said...

@anon: ?

@acidity: Thanks for the compliment!

Pranav said...

I propose we mobilize a mass movement for reservations...for the vaishya, 'chhatriya' and brahmins...Women henceforth will have to give the first chance to these neglected lots...before moving on to the more endowed variety. I now realise that 'no action' in my academic life was pre-destined.
:o)
Great post dude!
Waiting for the contemporary caste system post.

Vandana said...

Sorry for being so late in commenting.. but wow.. I'm amazed at your insight and observation.. I'm stumped.. Professor Gupta you should write a book.. you're that good..
LOL :-)

Asterix said...

@pranav: Exactly what I have been clamouring for ages! And thanks :)

@vandana: Yeah I took your discontinued visits as a sign that you were treating my blog as a brahmin's blog! Thanks for proving me wrong.

Princess Stefania said...

They never teach us the really important things at school, do they?
;)
Now if I were on the school board, I'd make certain blogs an important part of the curriculum. And this would be part of the history textbook. With your permission, of course.

Shiny Butter Knife said...

LMAO!!!!

This is great stuff. I like it. A lot.

So added to the tootsie roll.

More!

Asterix said...

@princess, SBM: Thanks a bunch! I also think that history textbooks would benefit a lot from such spicy additions :)

Mosilager said...

ROFL, that was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

at nagdahbrahmin.com we can get more knowledge about caste system

Anonymous said...

http://riterstar.livejournal.com/535.html

Please forward it to the truth mongers. HAVE FUN

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Shiny Butter Knife said...

In the name of disseminating this most brilliant revelatory exposé to a wider audience and spreading the knowledge, will you let us use it on blogchaat?

blogchaat's a group site that features talented young whippersna-er, authors. Won the Best Group Award at last year's Indibloggies. The post will, of course, link back to your blog.

So what say ye, Sir Asterix? ;)

Asterix said...

@shiny butter knife: I am gonna have to say......yes :)
Go ahead!

bhattathiri said...

It was observed that two Yogis could keep their hands immersed in extremely cold water for about 50 minutes (raised pain threshold). During the state of meditation, all of them showed persistent "alpha activity" in their EEG with increased amplitude wave pattern, both during 'eyes closed' and 'eyes open' recording. It was observed that these alpha activities could not be blocked by various sensory stimuli during meditation. It was also observed that those, who had well-marked "alpha activity" in their resting EEG showed greater aptitude and zeal for maintaining the practice of Yoga. Similar observations and results were obtained when EEGs were recorded in persons adept in Zen Meditative technique. Can we say that only those persons who exhibit such recording of "alpha wave rhythm" in their EEG are fit for Yoga? and be designated as right candidates for meditation and Yoga practices? (Such experiments are indeed very few and the number of yogis examined is also very small. Therefore, scientifically and statistically these observations have only a tentative importance. Further research is definitely called for, albeit it will have its own limitations.) It is said that in the unknown period of Lord Jesus Christ , He was under meditation