Friday, September 28, 2007

US finally overtakes Nigeria

DELHI (28 Sep): Although it may seem like I have lost all hope with this world we live in, some events shock you to the very core and turn your beliefs upside down. As a magnanimous gesture of philanthropy, I received this email, which I present in its entirety. I know, I might not be the lone recipient of such a gift, but please, let me savour this moment while it lasts.

From Us Military Base

Hello Dear
My name is Sgnt David Hill. I am an American soldier, serving in the military with the Third (3rd) infantry Division in Iraq . I and my superior after going on a rampage on Saddam Hussein's palace in Baghdad we discovered a large container where various denominations of currency worth millions are hidden.

You can enter the below website to confirm more of our discovery which was made known to the government, but this particular one is a top secret:
Having discovered the container in question, I alerted my superior officer who smartly told me to cart away a substantial amount. The fund in question was moved to a secure place with the assistance of our contact person in United Kingdom .

Family Doctor of our British military colleague); the total is $25,000,000.00 (Twenty-five million US dollars). Basically since we are still in active service, we cannot keep this fund in our bank accounts. It is on this juncture that I was mandated by my superior to look for a reliable and trustworthy person who could assist us to receive the fund on our behalf for investment purposes. Hence, my contacting you.

There is no risk involved whatsoever. If you are interested, I will send you more instructions on how to get the money. My duty is to find a good partner that we can trust and that will assist us secure the fund. Can I trust you? To ensure confidentiality, when you receive this letter, kindly reply our Family Doctor in london Mr Johnson cole with the information Email: Please Remember To Submitt Your Full Name/Address/Age/Occupation/Phone Number To Him


Sgnt David Hill

In God We Trust

My respect for Sergeants has grown exponentially since the day I saw Sgt. Hartman shot at point blank range in Full Metal Jacket. So when an army Sergeant beckons and beseeches and uses some more "be-" words, I listen. But "be-"fore I proceed with sending my details, I need to iron out a few doubts and clarify my stand.
  1. I am a big fan of rampages, and the looting and pillaging that goes with it. No problems here, we see eye to eye in this matter. I unearthed lots of treasures the last time I went on a rampage, although later it turned out that it was my own house.
  2. In God I do not trust. But, as mentioned before, in rampages I do.
  3. The top secret findings of your 'rampage' are made available on BBC's website. I find all this, as Britishers would say, particularly singular.
  4. For an American, your English is not too impressive. Maybe it is years of eating those "Freedom Fries" and hamburgers, that has successfully removed a big chunk of your brain. Such poor use of grammar and vocabulary is more suited to, lets say, an Indian H1-holding software engineer living in New Jersey1.
  5. When I saw the photograph, which is an irrefutable proof of the veracity of this rampaging operation, I almost sent all the details you had asked for, before I realized that the rampager in the picture is some Lt. King. That is very naughty of you Sgt. Hill, unless you go as Lt. King during daytime.
  6. I am touched that you might consider me as a partner. Your God knows how much have I desired a partner, preferably of the opposite gender.
  7. Another singular observation, which makes it plural now, is that your family doctor possesses a rediffmail address. I expected something better, or more 'British'. Atleast a
So until I get these doubts cleared, my dear Sgt. Hill/Lt. King, I will keep my details and my initial monetary contribution (which, no doubt, you will ask for later) to myself.

Have fun fighting the Iraqis, and carry on with the rampaging,

1 To all my desi friends in Jersey, please to be forgiving me for my remark. A thousand apologies to you. Thank you! come again!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Cynicism shall take a back seat for a moment

Crime, poverty, corruption and illiteracy in the country will be overlooked for a short while, as I get off my arm-chair and savour the World Cup victory. The cup of rants shall overflow again after a few days when either of these things happen (its only a matter of time):

  1. A dumbass politician goes overboard and says that Rama was indeed an engineering student, but only managed to pass after copying from Bharat, and a lot of supplimentaries.
  2. A dumbass Hindu organization or self-appointed guardian of "Hinduism" issues a fatwa, ordering that the above mentioned politician be impaled.
  3. The corals in the Gulf of Mannar, sick of all this brouhaha, shift camp to Mauritius.
  4. The Blueline bus daily accidental death toll reaches two digits.
For now, I cannot make myself think pessimistically, so signing off on a high.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Return of the obnoxious posts

Delhi (Sep 5): It is that part of the year again, when I transform from an obnoxious blogger to a completely insufferable one. Yes, the marathon season is going to start from October, and I am so excited that I cannot keep my pants on (shorts are better obviously). So from now on, expect some completely boring-ass posts sprinkled with paeans of the marathon and some unavoidable narcissism.

This posts contains some details about the races, how to prepare for them, some checklists, dos and donts etc.

Marathon calendar

The tentative calendar looks like the following. Bear in mind that Indian marathon organizers have a pathetic track record when it comes to scheduling races. So double check each race yourself before making any plans:

  1. Hutch Delhi Half Marathon: Delhi, 28 Oct 2007
  2. Singapore Marathon: Singapore, 2 Dec 2007
  3. Shady Half Marathon: Delhi, 9 Dec 2007
  4. Bangalore Ultra Marathon: Bangalore, 16 Dec 2007
  5. Standard Chartered Marathon: Mumbai, 20 Jan 2008
  6. Shady Half Marathon: Delhi, 17 Feb 2008
A few points here:
(a) The distances in the Bangalore Ultra Marathon include 25km, 50km and 80kms.
(b) The 'Shady' half marathon in Delhi is called so because it is horribly organized. This year's episode was supposed to happen in Feb but got delayed to December 9th.
(c) The last I heard, there is another marathon on 28 Oct, in Hyderabad. Sheer scheduling genius!

Who wants to be a marathon runner?

There is only one rule of thumb. If I can run, then so can anyone. You just have to follow a good training schedule. There are some really good training routines on the web (e.g. here and here). They have separate ones for first timers, intermediate and advanced runners.

Unless you go to a high class public gym, there is a fat chance of any girl watching you train and being impressed by you. So do not try to show off by running too much in a single day. Take your stretching and rest days very seriously. After each run (small or big), do not forget to do atleast 5-10 minutes of stretching. I will not say more on this subject because I am myself just three marathons old, and there is plenty of material available on the web anyway.

The gear

This cannot be stressed enough. Running gear can make a marathon a comfortable smooth sailing experience or a living nightmare. If you are a first timer, then a fair amount of shopping is in the offing, so bear the following in mind:
  1. Running shoes. This one is a mystery to me as I myself am yet to find the perfect pair of running shoes. The so-called running shoes available for 5-7K at premium outlets do not guarantee a comfortable run. In general, the shoe must be very light, have a small surface area at the sole (for a snug grip and to avoid the 'flip-flop' behavior) and should 'breathe' for the foot. A normal pair of walking shoes, or tennis/basketball shoes is a strict no-no. A seemingly inocuous pair of generic sports shoes can cause physical problems like the Ilio Tibial Band Syndrome (ITBS), which affects the side of the knee. I had this problem with a pair of seemingly harmless sports shoes, and it is really painful. Also, do not run the marathon with a brand new pair of shoes that have hardly been used. They will cause blisters, and you never know how the shoes are gonna turn out, so it is better to play it safe. Further, do not borrow someone else's pair of perfect running shoes unless you are their identical twin with exactly the same foot structure.
  2. Wear a jockstrap while training as well as in the race. Enough said.
  3. Get a pair of shorts that have a netting inside. This will help in avoiding thigh chafing. So unless you want to walk like a prison inmate who has been dropping bars of soap in the bathroom, do protect your inner thighs. Chafing is very minor or absent during short runs like 6-8 kms, but is inevitable during 21kms, so don't forget it while you do your shopping! It is also important that the fabric does not stick to you while running. Most of the sport shorts do ok in this regard. And for the love of God, do not consider wearing biker shorts while running. They have a slight padding that is meant to help while sitting on a bike, but is uncomfortable while running/walking.
  4. T-Shirts are always underrated. Wear one that is not loose or tight. A bad t-shirt can cause extremely painful chafing at the nipples, and can cause them to bleed too. Yes, this is true for both men and women. Again, the fabric must be non-sticky (I will be the first to buy teflon coated t-shirts).

Checklist (before the race)

  1. From 2-3 days before the race, start eating meals with high starch/carbohydrate content. This will be stored in the body, and will be very useful during the race. Preferred meals include rice and pasta.
  2. All races start around 6am, so get your sleep cycle in place atleast a week before that. No one wants to see a sorry-ass figure sleeping at the 5km mark.
  3. Buy an anti-chafing cream. If possible, carry a small amount with you during the race. I myself haven't ever used a cream, but the grapevine says that Nivea works ok, and lasts longer than vaseline.
  4. Get an iPod.
  5. If you do not become self-conscious unlike me, get a wrist band to wipe off the sweat from the forehead, or wear a bandana.
During the race
  1. Do not eat on the morning of the race. Have a glass of water around an hour before the race, and at the most have half a banana or 3-4 biscuits.
  2. Around half an hour before the race, do visit the bathroom. Yes there are urinals along the track, but you don't want to break your rhythm now do you?
  3. Apply some of the anti-chafing cream to the chafing prone areas. Alternatively, put some bandages. All you want is that there should be minimal contact between the fabric and the skin.
  4. Do not try to match someone else's speed. This is a standard error made by almost all first-timers. They see a girl or an uncle running faster than them, and their ego takes a hit. Run at your optimal pace, and do not deviate from that. You want to finish the race on two limbs, not four.
  5. Drink just the right amount of water. Here is a loose rule of thumb. Each drink should not be more than 100-150ml. Have the first drink around the 5-7km mark. After that, have a drink after every 2-3 kms. The races also provide free Electral. Drinking that is a must. Try to take 3-4 Electral drinks during the race. It can work wonders. Just as dehydration can cause severe problems (you might faint or do worse), overhydration can cause bad cramps too. Overhydration is common mistake among rookies, and I too made it. It happens when runners take a drink at almost every kilometer mark.
  6. Do not walk. If you are tired, then reduce the pace but never walk. It is mentally difficult to start jogging again once you are walking.
  7. Be aware that the "wall" will strike you around the 14-15km mark. It happens to me everytime. You feel like sitting down, or walking, or abandoning the race altogether. It is a combined physical-mental state when you despair that the end is still 6-7 kms away. Just go on, and once you see the 19km mark, you will feel rejuvenated!
  8. Do not forget to stretch for atleast 10-20 minutes after the race unless you want to be bedridden for the next two days.
Phew! Thats it for now. If I missed out on any crucial details, please leave a comment and I will include it. Ofcourse the most important thing is that a race well run is an extremely enjoyable experience. That said, good luck training, and good luck in the races!