Monday, March 12, 2007

Rat's behind and city rankings

[Warning: Longish Post. Sorry rahega.]

BOMBAY (12 Mar) Living in Delhi for 9 years and in Bombay for almost 2 has made me an expert in the hot emerging area of "city-comparison", according to people. Everywhere I go, I am swarmed with hordes of strangers who think that asking a Delhi vs Bombay question is a helluva icebreaker, which is really good because otherwise they would ask embarassing questions like "Is your wife in Bombay too?" (No such entity), and "How is your PhD?" (Excruciatingly slow). This post is dedicated to such noble creatures. I present some sample conversations; the dialogues marked "Them" are real, and the ones marked "Me" are the ones I would have really liked to make:

Them: Wow! Bombay eh? City of dreams? Bollywood-Shollywood eh? How many film stars have you seen?
Me: Oh I see them all the time. Living in an IIT hostel sure has its perks you see. My next door neighbour is Abhishek Bachchan, and I can hear him making threatening phone calls to the tree that Aishwarya married.
Them: Oh stop kidding! So tell me, have you witnessed any gangster shootouts there?
Me: Yes why not. I moonlight as a country liquor merchant in Dharavi and have shot a few non-paying customers myself. Ram Gopal Varma is dead-right about this gangster thingie. Everyone in Bombay is shooting either a film or a fellow gangster. Infact, Mumbai police provides every resident
with a revolver for self-defense.
Them: So how do you find Bombay as compared to Delhi?
Me: I will mail you a 500-word laminated report, so you can read my expert opinions at your leisure.

Me: ...
Them: Balle Balle ummmm.
Me: I am waiting for the question.
Them: Oh I thought you are a Punjabi, aren't you?
Me: Yes, all Delhites are required by law to be Punjabi. Infact people from any other races are shot on sight. I, however, have Haryanvi roots.
Them: Still, its the same thing na?
Me: Yes, as interchangeable as Gujju and Marathi.
Them: I see. So you must have found Bombay culturally very....whats the word for it...different. Isn't it?
Me: Yes, at first I couldn't put my finger on it, but after a few months, I realized that I am in a different city.

Them: Yaar, Bombay girls are very easy going na? I mean not like these god-awful Delhi girls.
Me: My easy academic life has given me plenty of chances to talk to plenty of girls (three in all). One of them switched teams after talking to me, another one put her matrimonial plans on the fast track, and the third one refused to return my calls. So I have no conclusions.
Them: No, but its true na that Bombay girls don't refuse if you ask them for a dance, they flirt back, and are generally looking for a "good time". (This is usually accompanied by a wink, or if I am lucky, a nudge in the elbow, or both.)
Me: Well I don't know about that because I am usually denied stag entry in the clubs and paying a hefty cover charge is against my second principle. (My first principle is that a beer-night should never go by sober). And I think if I try to flirt with a girl, she will most probably interpret it as the initiation of a possible molestation.
Them: So how would you rate the girls in the two cities?
Me: You are not listening. My policy is that be it Delhi or Bombay, I don't bug the girls and they don't bug me. Until the time for marriage comes, when I will choose exactly one girl to bug for the rest of her life (or mine, whichever is shorter).

Them: Cool man! You live in Delhi. There are a lot of parks and stuff na?
Me: Yes, every house has a lawn, including my first floor flat.
Them: And there are a lot of cars too, right?
Me: Yes, Delhi is trying to beat Los Angeles in the cars per capita metric.
Them: And wide roads too!
Me: Sure that too. All roads in Delhi, including the bylanes and services lanes are twice the width of the Western Express Highway. And all Santros and Zens that are sold in Delhi are as wide as an ATR airplane. We sure have it going on in Delhi.
Them: Yeah yeah! We Bombayites pay 1/3 of the taxes and you Delhites reap the benefits. Not fair!
Me: There are two ways to remove this disparity. Either Delhi pays as much tax as Bombay or vice versa. Which one do you think is more feasible?

In all fairness though, I would never have the guts to say all this, because like everyone, I too would hate to be beaten up. Frankly, for me, both the cities suck and rock equally. The "spirit of Mumbai" provides as much fodder for laughter as "dil waalo ki Delhi". Whats that you say? Bombay is safer for women, including at night? Well we are working towards correcting that pal. Everyday, hundreds of our brethren are descending in Bombay from exotic places like Etawah, Rohtak, Azamgarh, Munger and Darbhanga to cater to the eve-teasing needs of the women in Bombay.

So as far as the Delhi vs Bombay question is concerned, I will answer that as soon as I get my face out of the armpit of my co-passenger and get off this local. It will most probably be that I don't give a rat's behind.

I will leave you with a Bombay FAQ for now:

Q. When does a Bombay-man get an orgasm?
A. When he finds an empty seat on the Churchgate-Virar fast local during rush hour.

Q. How do you know where a particular Mumbai guy hails from?
A. Pick up a fight with him. If he yells at you continuously for 43 minutes, he is a Marathi. If he argues with you for 2 minutes and leaves for his office, he is a Gujju. If he bashes you up and gives you multiple fractures, he is a Sikh cab driver from Sion Koliwada. If he sends goons to beat you up, he is Bal Thackeray (a mutant sample of the Marathi population).

Q. What should I eat when I am in Bombay?
A. The food ordinance permits only Vada Pao and Dhokla. If tea must be partaken, it should be asked for in units of "cutting". Asking for just "ek chai" will make you look like a damn fool from Delhi.

Q. Why are Marathi food portions so small?
A. So that you have room for the main course -- Vada Pao and Dhokla.

Q. Can't I just drive to work everyday in Bombay?
A. Sure, if your office operates only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Q. REALLY!! Does it take ONE DAY to commute??
A. No. You will reach your office in three hours tops. But it will take you another fifteen to find a parking space.

Q. Where in Bombay, can I get, ummm..., you know, get physical with the ladies?
A. Try entering the ladies compartment of any local during rush hour. You will get more than you bargained for.


Anonymous said...

For the first time, i get to write the first comment to ur blog! Good post...BTW, how dare you say that marathi people dont get physical during a fight!! Look at shiv sena folks :)

Jai Maharashtra!

Anonymous said...

yeah..good blog...but your gunda blog was just too good...everytime i have some time to kill,i read something like that buddy!

Anonymous said...

I have a few questions of my own to ask Delliwallahs... how come the crime rate against woman is so high in Delhi? Also whats up with this Dengue every year huh? I'm most seriously displeased!!

As always pretty funny post.. and the inclusion of the term "rat's behind" kudos buddy kudos!! I'm impressed by your tenacity and overwhelming support in popularizing rats and their behinds.. ;-)


Tweety said...

Will get back when I catch my breath =))

The Golden Silence said...

sahi hai bidu... tamareko mumbai maa itna mazaa aavela hai yeh mereko abhi pata chala... bole toh ekdam first class haan... tension nako leneka... mumbai hotels mein poha nahi milega... lekin upma aur sheera jaroor milega... dil se paneer khaneka... amul masti dahi ke mafik rehneka...

dilli se yahan aate rehna... aavjo haan bhai...

Tweety said...

@the_golden_silence: ~ROTFL~
@asterix: Will take some more time now to catch my breath!!!

Mudra said...

LOL... The Bombay FAQs are hilarious... and I'm one of those people who treat "Bombay vs. Delhi" as a standard ice-breaker, so now I know how the other side feels. Needless to say, that won't stop me.

I've been in Delhi twice in my life, and seen only the 'New Delhi' side, which struck me as exceedingly thakela and repressed (except in the matter of gaalis on the road, which seem to flow rather freely). :)

And a seat on a Virar fast?? Who's ever experienced that? I've never found a seat on an Andheri slow from Churchgate also.

Asterix said...

@Manish: Shiv sena is a mutant breed of Marathis built under extreme conditioning and brainwashing. A typical Marathi dude still stands 10 feet away from the conflict and shouts "maro maro" until his throat becomes hoarse.

@anon: Thanks, but they have stopped making films in the same league as Gunda. I though KANK would, but I was wrong :(

@V: As I said, the crime rate will be made equal across all states in India soon. And Dengue is just a ritual, a festival that happens in Delhi just to spice the dull things up. Kinda like the Carnival in Rio. And don't underestimate rats and their behinds. Remember Surat?

@tweety: Still waiting for you to catch your breath!

@goldensilence: Thanks rahega. Delhi mein poha milna shuru ho jaye to main Bombay aana chhod doon, kasam se.

@mudra: Thanks. Trust me, Delhi is not thakela at all. If I were to judge Bombay by visiting Powai, I wouldn't do a fair job by miles either! And don't let the gaalis bother you, they are a means to express joy, sadness, surprise, anger and general well-being. You could say that we use them as punctuation marks :)

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, awesome post dude.

Chal tata rahega fir,

Asterix said...

@tweety: Still waiting....

@Varun: Thanks dude! Later.

Anonymous said...

hey looking at the fundoo comments u get..i'm thinking of writting my own blog!...

Asterix said...

@anon: Thanks and best of luck!

shruti said...

your awesome !!! Your writing style is unique and reeks of subtle humor have joined the ranks of my favourite humor bloggers till now all ladies ( as I call them ) that brings a smile to my day time and again ...ladies u have competition!!

Asterix said...

@shruti: Thanks a lot. Finally, some kind words from someone!

shruti said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shruti said...

Hey ..I have read all ur posts and I dont think I have done that with any other blog ... neways we want new post !!1

Asterix said...

@shruti: Words fail me! Thanks a lot indeed. But in retrospect, don't you wish to get all those hours of your life back :) ?

Tweety said...

Caught my breath finally...
This one is simply awesome - and being neither from Mumbai or Delhi, the sushegaad-Goenkar in me thoroughly enjoyed this hilarious posting, despite the fact, that the word 'fish' did not make even a single occurrence :)
How about pitching the two cities against Goa in your next post... But then who would stand a chance against the land of the king-and-the-kingfisher :p

Asterix said...

@tweety: Thanks! And whats it with you Goans and pitching. Everytime time I see a Goan, he/she is with a pitcher of beer. Comparing Delhi or Bombay vs Goa would be cakewalk!

Scout said...

delhi or bombay.. hmm. none!

Anonymous said...

Wah Ustad Wah! The satire just gets more razor-sharp and on target:"Everyday, hundreds of our brethren.......eve-teasing needs of the women in Bombay."

Interested in teaching gender-sensitisation? On second thought - they wldn't get the satire :(

Mallika said...

Wah Ustad Wah! The satire just gets more razor-sharp and on target:"Everyday, hundreds of our brethren.......eve-teasing needs of the women in Bombay."

Interested in teaching gender-sensitisation? On second thought - they wldn't get the satire :(

Mallika said...

She married a tree?!!
I thought it was a cow...ah well! Either is better than AB's baby boy.

And I completely agree about the avg Marathi reaction...BT types they are not.

Asterix said...

@scout: Hmmmm....

@mallika: From what I heard, she married multiple trees. Talk about being the Draupadi of the flora world! Oh and thanks for the compliments.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, great piece.
I second your opinions about the girls.

--Manish Gupta, CSE.