Thursday, February 22, 2007

Anatomy of an Indian Bachelor Party - II

BOMBAY (Feb 22) This is the second installment of a two-part post on the tradition of the Great Indian Bachelor Party (BP).

Hmmm, so where were we? Yes, we, i.e. the friends of the soon to be ex-bachelor were ruing the fact that hiring strippers in India is not only illegal, but also impossible for mortal folks.

So the BP minus the lady starts like any other party on the block. One by one, the visitors start trickling in. The ones already inside the house look at the door in eager anticipation that somehow a stripper has been magically procured, while the ones entering (who bear no resemblance to a stripper I might add) invariably ask -- "Aw man! You guys didn't arrange for any ladies tonight!!" with the nonchalance that only pimps and dandies possess.

The rest of the night is planned out to consist of three major events --- raunchy music and dance, porno talk and last but not least, borderline homoerotica. The third event is often used as a substitute for strippers, and all objections and complaints against it are usually drowned in a pool of alcohol. Now, the chronological sequence of these three events is usually decided impromptu, judging by the "mood" of the party, but often it is also dictated by the loudest (and usually the most drunk) member of the group. For the sake of brevity, we shall call this member LM. Note that the identity of LM changes continuously with the passage of time and the drinks tray.

Now to get the mood started, some nice chap, may God curse his soul, plays such an item number that any man worth his testosterone would need atleast half a litre of alcohol to gyrate on it. Shining examples of such songs are -- Mera chain wain sab ujdaa (aka Kajra re), Chadhti jawani meri chaal mastaani, and Husn ke hazaar rang..kaunsa rang dekhoge. After fulfilling the minimum drink requirement for these songs, a bunch of guys hit the dance floor usually in the form of a central dancer aka the alpha male, who is surrounded on all sides by the "extras" aka the beta males who try to seduce the alpha male with their *hot* dance moves.

A word is in order about the dance moves here. These moves would never see the light of the day if it were not for these BPs. Mature sober men turn into orang-utangs, and the bold and naughty ones metamorphosize into a deadly mix of Amrish Puris and Gulshan Grovers. Random hands grab random waists, and cozy ballroom dancing ensues, periodically interrupted by lusty thumkas. Oodles of pot-belly flesh are paraded in public when a few banians are taken-off/ripped-off the dancers, initiated usually by the LM. In short, such choregraphic masterpieces are created that would make even Rakhi Sawant snort her ugly little nose with disgust. Ofcourse, like in every alcohol-aided dance party, there are people who take undue physical advantage of others, this time without paying any heed to the gender parity.

During this moment, all the fencesitters, who are trying to look casual by sipping gracefully on their drinks and making light banter, are secretly thinking -- "Shit! If I enter this dance-floor of death, I will definitely lose my virginity the wrong way tonight!". They resist all attempts by the alpha-beta male dancers to pull them into their midst, using excuses like "Aw its ok, I gotta get me a drink first" and "No you guys go ahead, you guys rock! Woohoooo!!", while the drunkard inviter goes "kjdgjkhag lmjf gjhh eqoiowe, kajra re! kajra re! mera kaale kaale naina!" twisting his not-so-supple waist the entire time.

I should state here that all efforts notwithstanding, by the end of the song and dance sequence, there is not a single soul in the group who hasn't been fondled and groped by his fellowmen. So, one way or the other, all the gropers and gropees are slightly tired at this time, which leads the party into Phase 2.

Phase Two deals with all the BP folks, having put their banians (or shreds thereof) back on, calmly resting around the TV set. A poll is now taken as to whether the time is ripe for doing a pondi-quiz or watching a pondi movie. Now we all know about pondi movies, don't we? So I won't say too much about them, except that watching a pondi movie with twenty other chaps is perhaps the sorriest sight ever! I will not discuss the pondi-quiz too, lest my blog is swarmed by sex-addicts and is perma-filtered by blogspot. But just to give you a brief idea, at the end of the quiz, one realizes that all his friends are perhaps the most perverted sickos to walk the planet, and hence, are perfect companions and equals.

Finally, after all this is over, enters the optional Phase Three. This is the deadliest phase of them all. It decides whether one will return home like a normal man (viz. more than half-dressed and with atmost 1 litre of alcohol inside), or like a naked homeless guy. For you see, this is the free-for-all phase, where one is allowed to do almost anything to anyone. And that includes dousing with alcohol (but not setting on fire, thats not cool), re-ripping the banians or even shorts, wrestling, and even doing stuff that is driven by hormones. I personally didn't have the misfortune to find out more about Phase Three, but I have seen pictures, and my life has never been the same again, to say the least.

This brings me to the end of the BP. I must admit now, that I have broken the first commandment of the BP, viz. you don't talk about BP. As a punishment, I might be murdered, or worse, cast as the alpha-male in the next BP. And to that I say:

The BPs are gruesome, cruel, and *beep*,
But I have many invitations to keep,
And thousands of banians to purchase before I sleep,
And thousands of banians to purchase before I sleep.


Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD!! :-D I can't stop laughing.... this was hilarious.. I can't believe the crap that passes as Bachelor Party... So tell me where were you in all this? the alpha male? one of the cronies around him? or the one with the quiz etc?? I'm curious..
he he he :-)
This was by far one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time..

Tweety said...

OK.. this one is a riot :D:D
I would be lying if I said that I enjoyed the description (unimaginably gross !!!!) but yeah, a stickler for good-usage-of-the-phoren-language that I am... well, I did :) Hilarious piece of work, (though Im not so sure if Robert Frost would agree on that one ;)

And oh..... may your BP have all those elements you have gallantly portrayed, and much-much more .. if you're still alive for it i.e.


The Golden Silence said...

This is just "awesome" !!!

I just love the way you have classified the entire BP into phases... I never knew about the final phase though... and I am glad I dont have any pictures to look at... :D

Mudra said...

Oh. My. God.

*Will post proper comment later, when have regained composure*

Asterix said...

@all: Thanks a lot for laughing at the predicament of us poor Indian males! Thanks also for appreciating my post.

@V: I was never an alpha or beta or gamma male ever. I have attended only one BP and that was a highly watered down version of the one I have described, and was lucky enough to narrowly miss one which totally fit this post. And as I said before, the quiz will remain an NSA-classified file :)

@tweety: So finally you come to terms with the fact that everyone likes crass humor ;-) Good for you! And thanks for wishing me an identical BP, but I would rather die single than be 'consummated' by my buddies before my marriage!
As far as Mr Frost is concerned, I am sure a "koi nahi" will suffice!

@goldensilence: Hmmm..not many have endured Phase 3 and lived to talk about it, so I don't blame you if you missed one :) And yes, the pictures *are* destructive! I will never be able to look at some of my friends with a trusting look again!

@mudra: Well Ms Janice, I am waiting for your comment, just like you did for this post. So hurry up, will ya?

Mudra said...

Right. I can write now.

First off... the BP - alternately disgusting and hilarious. Thoroughly fascinating, albeit only from a 3rd person standpoint. ;)

The people involved - unbelievably juvenile, moronic and consequently hilarious. In one word, MEN.

The post - Awesome. Couldn't stop laughing, even after I finished reading it.

Interesting fact - You managed to retain (relative) sobreity long enough to observe and analyse?!

Asterix said...

@mudra: Thanks for the votes of confidence for my gender and my post :) Regarding my observation and analysis, I just observed and observed. The analysis and the consequences dawned later.

Anonymous said...

That was a good first person account of BP. But dude you missed out on the phase 0, which had happened only in my BP :)


Asterix said...

@M: Thanks. Btw, I mentioned Phase 0 in the first installment of my post!!

Mallika said...

Whoa! For those who retain certain creditable illusions about MEN - this post is NOT for you.

Hilarious and Borat-like the details are!

Applaud the post I do. More I want.

Whats with everyone loving to take a cheap-shot at Ms. Sawant I ask.
That band-wagon brain-dead was & still is.

Getting bored of Yoda-style I am

Asterix said...

@mallika: My eternal gratitude you have. Sawant-bashing stop never will. Posting even more inane stuff in the future, I will!

praywin said...

I still can't believe you sold out for a few comments and a couple of 'attaboy's.

Asterix said...

@praywin: I still haven't told "them" everything now, have I ? ;)

shruti said...

ROFL ... this was incredibily informative and hilarious at the same time . I must say I had no idea !!

Anonymous said...

I have read this post a hundred times and still cant stop laughing.......its hilarious......good stuff :D

larsenovam said...

Dude, you are a VERY GOOD WRITER, did you know? I am reading this from the Czech Republic and I am not even Indian (or male :-)), and I am shrieking with laughter. Did you ever consider writing comedy for real? You certainly do have enough material, it seems.

PS: Good luck (either finding or) avoiding marriage, per your personal preference. Thanks for brightening my day!


Rani said...

Looks like the news is telling the truth. As India goes into its econmic boom - people get richer, the country becomes sort of more open minded and sex is no longer taboo. Well it is perhaps still hush hush in Indian but a lot of girls realise how much money can be made in the sex industry with their Indian niche and that is why you will see many Indian escorts in London. If you want these Indian girls come to London!

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Informative content, In bachelor party you can drink all night but between the beer and the strippers, wouldn't it be fun to have a few bachelor party games such as Despedida Soltero.

Shama said...

Super funny :)

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