Monday, February 12, 2007

Anatomy of an Indian Bachelor Party - I

[Warning: Longish post. Will be posted in two installments]

BOMBAY (29 JAN): If you have a friend getting married and have been given the onerous burden of throwing a bachelor party for him, or if you are a non-Indian looking to mock us Indians, then look no further because the buck stops at this post.

The Bachelor Party (BP) is yet another Americanism that has been twisted and amalgamated into the Indian society, much like the Kadahi-Paneer Pizza and McAaloo-Tikki burgers. During the import of this noble concept, many of the aspects have been altered or dropped and new ones have been added to cater to the needs of the Indian males.

As a member of the elite group, who has attended one such party and missed two, I consider this as my duty to reproduce factual accounts of what actually happens behind closed doors in such scenarios.

The saga usually begins with discussions over beer (another priceless import), and two guys are nominated whose sole job is to generate excitement about the BP, about how good its going to be, and how anyone who doesn't attend the BP is such a loser that he shouldn't have come out of his mama's womb. You could say that they are almost, but not as good as, the Microsoft PR and Marketing professionals. Such guys are usually required to have a superficial knowledge of the black-ghetto vocabulary, and anyone who has lived in South Central Los Angeles or New York Harlem is a natural qualifier. You can expect these fine human beings to spout periodic utterances like "yo dawg! This parteh is gonna rock!" or "We gonna pimp tonight dude!" and so on.

By this time, people are so excited about the party that they start peeing their pants off, consequently causing an increase in the sales of Lee and Levis. Adult diapers have yet to take off in this country, it seems. Anyway, I digress, but the point is that by this time, every virgin in the group starts believing that this night is his night, and every veteran thinks that he is gonna have that elusive menage-a-trois for sure.

The next step involves planning the logistics, which in India means arranging for Old Monk, Royal Stag and Romanov, along with 10 kilos of namkeen and 5 kgs of Paneer Tikka. In the ten days leading to the BP, the drama increases exponentially, with lunch room banters, urinal conversations revolving about the party instead of "that hot new chick in HR, who, I am positive is giving me the eye".

However, as the days pass by, it becomes the duty of every guy in the group to moan about the fact that how not being able to hire strippers sucks. The virgins are usually the most vocal in voicing this complaint. This is usually followed by brainstorming session on "what to do now?".

The answer to this question varies from city to city. In Bombay, till last year, it meant going to a dance bar with a few wads of Rs 10 notes. In Delhi, it meant and still means going to the sole cabaret place in the city where it seems Rs 50 can buy you "Sharara Sharara" (a sleazy Indian song, admired by all desperadoes including married men). Yeah I know, it is not the same, but it is pretty much what you can do short of traveling in a cab adorned with blue-tubelights (Bombay), and driving past Connaught Place at night with the car windows rolled down (Delhi).

However, the BP organizers are an enterprising bunch. They are usually not bothered with trifling minor irritatants such as the lack of a stripper ruin it for them. Their 'improvisations', for the lack of a better word, will be described in the second part of the post. This, and much more, when we return after these messages.


Anonymous said...

Wow!! Unbelievable!! Bachelor party Indian style.. didn't even know about this concept.. desi culture is really catching up.. and how.. :-))
Can't wait for the 2nd part.. ;-)

Mudra said...

Hehehehe... sounds almost certain to fizzle out. But then, men are kinda stupid anyway. :p Especially when it comes to event management (if you can call an indian bachelor party an "event").

The post, as usual, is very funny. :) Waiting for the next!

The Golden Silence said...

Good one... I also attended one Bachelor party recently... the entrance door had 10 commandments #1 was "thou shalt not speak about what happens inside to the outside world". You are breaking it dude ;-)

But... waiting eagerly for part II :)

Tweety said...

Good job !!!

But I do agree with mudra on this one.. that men are kinda silly anyway! Generally tend to hype up the most mediocre of stuff like organizing-a-BP (in this case)
So just cant wait for the next round of the highly publicized immature-anecdotes which only men are capable of ;)

Be quick with the Part-II, we women could do with a good laugh in any case :p

Asterix said...

@V: You wouldn't believe the strides the Indian males have taken in the past five years. Every year they come up with one brand new ridiculous idea to embarass themselves.

@mudra: As a member of the community of men, I accept your compliments with thanks. And you would be surprised at how things turn out eventually.

@goldensilence: Don't worry, the identities of the chief perpetrators have been hidden.

@tweety: Thanks for the awesome compliments. Dont forget that you have to choose a husband from this bunch! And yes, there will be a BP for your husband, when you get married.

- A silly man.

Pranav said...

It gives me a sense of deja vu. I was never able to figure out if the "attactions" promised on my BP would have materialized, for I developed cold feet when they announced "they are coming".
But what is amazing is the way you make sound ordinary life so ridiculously funny.

Anonymous said...

good blog!But you have missed a lot of "cool" details about the BPs that you guys had:P..Manish told me the "fun" stuff that you people had..:)..hoping to read about it the next BP blog..

Asterix said...

@pranav: Thanks dude! But trust me, in India, "they are coming" doesn't mean anything.

@rasika: I was not in Manish's BP, so I have to either make up stuff or recall by association. Rest assured, some 'cool' stuff should appear in Part-2, if it materializes!

Mudra said...

Come on, come on, come on!!

Anonymous said...

Looks like I missed a great bachelor party. We at give you a thumbs up!

Anonymous said...

lol u must b pretty board...

Ruma said...

Ha. A friend was running out of ideas for a bachelor party, and I googled "bachelor party mumbai" in the firm belief that all of life's questions can be answered on google. And lookie what I found!
For the record, another friend tried to get a Bachelor Party done in Delhi. Strippers there cost 15k, for a strip show and a 10 minute lap dance. It was found to be an economically challenged plan. The guys got off by keeping the groom on edge till midnight to hear him ask "But where's the stripper yaar?"

Share your thoughts said...

I kind of like real bachelor party planning pages that don't sell anything. I saw a cool one

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Anonymous said...

Just something that we have an "Indian Welcome" at a stag party of my friend. He had booked Shiney. She came in a nice sari and then started off with a strip tease and went for the kill. She gave a BJ to the groom and then to all of us guests one after another. Telling everyone welcome as they were finished off. Done so well and sophisticated way that it was well worth it. As she left she gave the groom one last big job again and we all remembered that and made fun of each other all night round. Was a great start to the whole event. She is available via email contact which I got from my mate. Will definately call her up for my own stag do which is there in October. Her email ID is shineyoberoi at yahoo dot co dot up

Anonymous said...

Do you guys have any pics taken at party.

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