Monday, April 30, 2007

Ten million, and I was the fastest?

DELHI (Apr 30) Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the chronicles of one of the nation's supposedly crème de la crème.

This guy, India's hope, is trying to use his dashing new washing machine for the second time. All is hunky dory, the wash-cycle is on, only 38 minutes remain, the dude eats his dinner in peace, and waits for the washing to finish.

Only it doesn't. A trip to the machine reveals that it is stuck at 22 minutes and the rinse cycle is desperately trying to start. The spin cycle which comes after it has no chance in heaven. Totally flummoxed, the dude opens the lid and surveys the scene. Two seconds after watching the filthy goo floating around the tub, it strikes him. All his clothing posessions are in that tub, and if the #@%!@#$## machine doesn't resume, then his idea of Casual Tuesdays will become a tad more than just an idea.

Desperate, he tries Plan A, also known as the Microsoft Windows Plan. It involves switching the machine on and off rapidly enough to beat the living daylights out of the poor microchip but not fast enough to actually cause a meltdown. Just like Microsoft Windows, the plan doesn't work.

Switching to Plan B, he tries the mechanical way of things. That of physically knudging the tub clockwise to incite it to rotate. A gentle, and later, a harder nudge on the side is also added as an extra bit of measure. The tub, however, has other plans, mostly involving cosying up to the electric motor and spending quiet quality time of stillness amidst all the washing frenzy. Beads of nervous perspiration quietly form on the dude's forehead.

The time comes for Plan C. This mostly involves reading the manual (or RTFM as we comp geeks call it). Now real men never read the manual. Infact real men would rather sever their reproductive organs and neatly wrap them in cellophane than read the manual. The first thing that real men do when they buy an appliance is to roll joints from the manual's paper. But obviously real men haven't ever been forced in an only-baniyan-and-shorts-to-wear situation. So dude searches for the manual, only to discover that the manual is at a friend's house. Panic starts settling in, as even the internet refuses to locate an online manual. It is 10:45pm and uneasiness grips the dude, and understandably, he feels the need to use the restroom.

Plan D is now employed. It is not so much as a plan, rather a ritual. Consisting mostly of cuss words, about how this Indian nation can't prosper if they make crappy machines like these, and how LG sucks bigtime, and how he's gonna stick it to those lousy customer reps and service engineers, and how the dealer is gonna get more than an earful. The censor has a hard time bleeping out the diatribe. Totally exhausted after this verbal diarrhoea, the foolproof Plan E is now rolled into action.

That of physically transferring the clothes to a bucket and rinsing them manually. Totally shattered, the dude starts his ordeal and manages to clean all but one piece of cloth in a seemingly endless stretch of 20 minutes so far. It is then that he realizes that the drain pipe of the machine is still hooked vertically up instead of lying down by the drain.

Mixed feelings of euphoria, relief, shame, and anger rush in instantly. The Hindi phrase kaato-to-khoon-nahi seems apt for the situation. The drain pipe is unhooked, the cycle finishes, the machine beeps gleefully and everything is silent once more. Everything. Except the shattering of the pride.

Tomorrow I shall shave with Occam's razor.


Shantanu said...

Bhains ki aankh! Bataya kyun nahi yeh sab ;-) :-))

Asterix said...

(a) It happened yesterday night only, just as I was preparing for the Bombay trip.
(b) Some pride still remains! :)

The Golden Silence said...

Excellent !!!

This reminds me of your views on operating the new dryers in the hostel. "The knob would be probably the temperature of the hot air".

I set the knob to 120 and actually waited 20mins waiting for the drying cycle to finish ( @ 3am !)... it did not show any signs of finishing... I gave up and went to sleep and never figured out what was the time taken.....only to find out a month later that the knob was to set the "Time".

Needless to say... I tried all possible plans in those 20 mins... CTRL-ALT-DEL (emergency stop), Hard reset (power off) et. al.

shruti said...

Hilarious ... esp the aprt abt real men ... come on ur born with it ..who needs manuals aneways .. Plan E was brilliant .. I couldnt have thought of it myslef..ur a born genius ..

Mudra said...

*laughing like crazy*

You've also shattered your readers' idea of your intelligence.

Asterix said...

@goldensilence: My views on your hostel dryer were nothing but hot air :) I bet you didnt have a plan E like I had. Manually blowing air over wet clothes won't have helped!

@shruti: Thanks, and from now on, I will laminate and preserve every manual for posterity. And I guess you meant to say "a born *doofus*"

@mudra: Real men also don't like it when women laugh at them. Although it feels nice to note that I once gave an impression of intelligence.
*Pats self on the back*

Vandana said...

:-) He he he.. too much.. Loved Plan D & E.. I'm assuming it was being done simultaneously.. Reading manuals and being considered 'unmanly' is as cliche` as "being a man means not having to ask for directions".. :-)
Hilarious post though..

Tweety said...

Hilarious :D:D:D

Btw, there ought to be a Plan F - Now that the "intelligent" soul has managed to crack the root cause problem -- and fix it -- the supposedly-hand-washed clothes should be dunked in to the now-fully-functional washing machine and the cycle re-started :)

Reason being:
I really dont believe you implemented the Plan E in any case. And if at all you did, it could probably be classfied, as a "vain-attempt".....Hence the Plan F ;)


Asterix said...

@vandana: Yes you are right, plans D and E were indeed simultaneous. And [not] asking for directions isn't cliched. I, personally, have driven around 10000 extra kms in my car just because I didnt feel the need to ask around.

@tweety: Plan F was indeed implemented, because I wanted the clothes to dry in time for the flight.

Huzaifa said...

funny stuff mate - not just this post but the rest as well.

Hey, i'm an editor for and i'd like to invite you to be a Desicritic.

Check this link - - and sign up if you're interested.


Asterix said...

@huzaifa: Thanks for the praise and the invitation. However I am just a humble blogger with no agenda, and am not sure whether I will be able to do any justice to desicritics. Will definitely try to sign up later if I change my mind, and when I am sure that I can contribute actively.
Thanks again for the offer!

Manish said...

Boss this is awesome... i need to come here often :)

Asterix said...

@manish: Thanks dude! :)