Monday, May 21, 2007

Blogger astounds self with borderline gay stuff

DELHI (21 May): Area blogger Rahul Gupta is in the news once more, again for the wrong reasons. Reports indicate that he has surprised himself by doing some stuff, which in his own mature words are "gay or something".

Readers must be aware that after exhausting all avenues for shelter, he was forced to move alone in a new house last month. The last bastion of singledom, he was tired of giving people his magic Midas touch time and again, so a sentence of solitary confinement was gladly implemented by him. However, what happened next was amazingly horrifying. In an act of unprecented maturity, he bought carpets for his house, not one but three, along with more than a dozen curtains. Previously used to a spartan lifestyle, he finally decided to enjoy the feel of a rug beneath his feet. Eyewitnesses went on record with his ancient remarks to the effect that "Shopping for carpets and drapes is an activity best performed by women and their gay friends. No man worth his salt would be caught dead in a carpet emporium". It is reported that the sight of three well-laid out carpets brings tears of happiness to his eyes every single time he wakes up.

In another supposed blow to his manhood, he then went ahead and got a gas connection -- lock stock and a smoking cylinder. In his previous avatar, he had unilaterally declared that cooking or attempting to cook is an activity best left to moms and bais. Not only did he get a connection, but he was spotted buying more than five kinds of dals and bargaining with the utensils salesman, in a style reminiscent of the 80's when mothers used to barter old clothes for a new cooker. We are not sure if the blogger paid for his stuff using his t-shirt and jeans.

However, in a decisive blow to the last remnants of his testosterone, against all counsels he ventured inside the forbidden zone. The place which is more feminine than even a lingerie shop. Yes, you guessed it right. We are talking, ofcourse, of the place that sells sofa pillows. Those little square cushions whose purpose on earth is more futile than, say, an HR department's . Till now, the blogger had had a love hate relationship with these pillows from hetero-hell. However, yesterday, no less than five people spotted him taking a 'feel' of the pillows by gently brushing them with his fingers. He finally purchased three of them, but only after loudly declaring that he is buying them "only for smooth comfort which the back desperately needs". Three innocent bystanders who saw through his lies were instantly struck with nausea.

Subsequent manly activities of buying a wireless router, an iPod FM transmitter and gulping a few beers were too late and weak to undo the irreversible damage caused by the shopping mania.

As his friends continue to taunt him to "grow a pair", the blogger indicates that further damage to his machismo is expected in the near future, as he contemplates the purchase of a few coasters to save his furniture from beverage-induced condensation.


Tweety said...

Good job!
[pat on the back]

This was a real cool start... You could still make some additions/modifications -
1. Drapes with a lacy fringe
2. Aroma candles
3. Pot Pourri
4. Crochet Table Linen
5. Fluffy pink comforter

That would surely complete the picture, and hereby fortify your stance in gay-dom !


Vandana said...

Ha ha ha.. I was always knew that although you were in denial.. you were one of "gayest" friends ;-)
I agree with Tweety on the suggested modifications.. add to that a "teddy-bear" ;-) and you're all set.. all girls will want to BFFs with you..
Good luck.. I'm so happy for you..

Tejaswi said...

The Metrosexual Manifesto? written in gay abandon.



The Golden Silence said...

dude... your new house is changing you in many ways...

better get a dressing table with a full length mirror and give yourself a good look
and hope that the midas touch works on you :)

Asterix said...

@tweety: Gayness already perpetrated is enough for this lifetime and the next. Why curse me with pink comforters and potpourri?
And Crochet Table Linen? Well La-di-da!

@vandana: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I hope I do justice to my promising image. Even the teddy bear looks more macho than me nowadays, thanks to my actions.

@tejaswi: Call me whatever, but never _ever_ call me a meterosexual ! I still haven't stooped to the level of pedicures, facials and chamomile tea :p Enough said.

@goldensilence: Now a days I feel like a vampire. I look into the mirror, but my hetero self is not reflected back. Not long before someone shoots me with a [lacy] silver bullet.

Mudra said...

Lol!! All I can suggest is:

1. Fresh flowers everyday
2. Transparent nail paint (which you will pay 600 bucks for)
3. Fluffy pillows
4. A large teddy bear
5. Photo frames littering your house

On a slightly more serious note, I think it takes immense courage for any Indian male to own up to stuff like this on his blog! So great going! :)

Ashish said...

Did you actually do all that??? THE COMPLETE MAN RG
I am coming for the inspection one of these wknds!!!

Asterix said...

@mudra: Whats with every female reader offering me a list of embarassing items to purchase? I think I might have unleashed every woman's fantasy of having a gay guy to discuss nauseating items with :) And transparent nail paint? Is that like the emperor's new clothes??

@ashish: well you can call me the COMPLETE ALMOST MAN now. And sure, drop in anytime. Just bring beer so that I can still assert my manhood.

Solzaire said...

you are not going to hear the end of the coasters you met ;-)

Asterix said...

@solzaire: Yep, I had an inkling I wouldn't :)

Bridget Jones said...

now I know what to get you for your birthday ? :D

Asterix said...

@bridgetjones: X-( Join the queue! I already have offers comprising of laces, teddies, dead-friccking-flowers (pot pourri). Nothing you say now can harm me! :)

Kusum Rohra said...

Er Rahul, since you have embarked on the journey, I recommend you go all the way and that way you will be the first gay friend I ever will have !!!

Asterix said...

@kusum: I seriously do not know what fixation do girls have on having gay guy friends!! Aren't girlfriends enough? :)

Kusum Rohra said...

Ofcourse girl friends are never enough.

Kusum Rohra said...

Koi naya post likho bhai !!

Mudra said...

Yeah, come on, blog.

Louis et Quentin said...

Coucou ! j’adore ton blogspot , nous venons le voir très souvent avec mon copain ! nous en avons un nous aussi :

Blog avec de belles photos de nous … viens y jeter un œil !!

Gros bisous ! Louis et Quentin

Ps : laisse nous un com sa nous fera bien plaisir !!!