Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The case of the stolen kiss

In American Beauty, the character of Ricky Fitts had said - "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in". But it took me almost six years to realize the meaning behind this dialogue. Well not so much about the beauty as about the "heart caving in" part.

A few days back I was hanging out at my home with a friend and generally flipping through channels when I stopped at IndiaTV's announcement of its latest exposé. The anchor, visibly excited to the extent of hyperventilating, shouted about IndiaTV's hottest news of the hour. And yes, you guessed it right, it was about the issue that had rocked the entire nation that day - Mika kissing Rakhi Sawant in front of the cameras.

Now, maybe it was the carpal-tunnel in my hands from playing so much video games that I couldn't change the channel, or maybe it was the beer that enhanced my judgement abilities, but I knew that I had struck gold.

Although I was shocked at knowing that this was THE "breaking news" of the hour, but I like low grade gossip as much as the next person, so I was hooked. To our joy and amusement, that breaking news was discussed at length for around thirty minutes and less important things like the FIFA World Cup had to wait. I will refrain from saying anything about this, but probably Rakhi Sawant's beauty was too much to handle for a simple Punjabi boy like Mika, so his heart probably caved in. Rather than missing the kiss, he decided to kiss the Miss. Little did he know that one smooch (and that too lousily done) would leave such a bad taste in the mouth, cheap pun intended. One small smooch for Mika but one giant lawsuit in his, uhh, you know where. Word on the street is that he has gone underground to evade any arrest (much on the footsteps of his elder bro Daler Mehendi). I can almost imagine the conversation between Mika and his fellow subterranean dwellers:

Mika: Paaji, whom are you hiding from?
Javed: I committed a triple murder a week back. The police of two states are trying to hunt me down. Why are you hiding?
Mika: O koi nahin, main Rakhi Sawant nu ek chummi de ditti. (Oh nothing! I kissed Rakhi Sawant)
Javed: Really!!! Oye Shukat, Arun, sab suno, this man kissed Rakhi Sawant. Wow man! you are like our hero and everything!!

When the chips are down, its high-quality news and low-grade actions like these that help cheer me up. That prod me to see that indeed, there is so much beauty in this world. Although I had found the world to be pretty, but not heart-caving beautiful yet. But little did I know that I was an impatient fool. That the last half-hour was only a build-up to bigger and better things to come. Much like "Fellowship of the Ring" was a trailer for "Return of the King", but I digress.

So after extensive coverage of the unholy smooch, IndiaTV tried to play mediator between the warring parties. The 29" screen of my TV was split in three parts - occupied by Rakhi, news anchor and Mika respectively. For those who play video games, this felt like Mortal Kombat except that in the game, the only thing the mediator says is "Round One, FIGHT!"

After much mud-slinging, colorful usage of vocabulary by either parties, and an exemplary display of impromptu thinking (mostly by Mika), the anchor realized that he is supposed to mediate and not laugh his ass off. So when Mika said that he has "full support from his true fans, who believe him", Rakhi was asked the same question in the most hilarious way:

Anchor (spoken with a straight face): "Rakhi, aapke bhi kaafi fans hain. Jo aapke item songs pasand karte hain, jo aapka.....(long pause).....kaam pasand karte hain, woh bhi to aapke saath honge?"

Needless to say, my day was made. This outstanding show of journalism had egged the total amount of beauty to beyond what my heart could handle. The cave-in was complete.

Asterix

23 comments:

alice massey said...

that really is a blog of randomness and just remember the bloke off american beauty was repressed from love and all emotins entailed oh and was fictionalx

Tara said...

Well.. its official now I guess.. we have no news-worthy problems in India anymore.. we are just like the Americans.. where the birth of Brad and Angelina's kid was the most important news item for months... and still is.. :-)
Btw, why were they fighting? and what was the fan support all about?
-Tara

Anonymous said...

nice one...!!

anshu said...

Hilarious!
Media has become circus now.

Kusum Rohra said...

Ok now be honest, the cave in was complete by the outstanding *one eyebrow raised* show of journalism or is it because of the outstanding show of rakhi sawants (you know what).

Anonymous said...

Good read !! And for once I do agree that this blog-about-nothing happens to be the apt place to blog about this good-for-nothing news item.

Btw, Ive lost track of the MTs you owe me. Last week Shoooo managed to procure two of them from God-only-knows-where, and informed me that since Asterix is conveniently not around, I could have both...

~Burp~
Tweety

Asterix said...

@alice: random news leads to random blogs!

@tara: They were fighting because Mika thought that kissing Ms Sawant would be cool with her. Turns out it wasn't.

@anon: Thanks

@anshu: Nowadays news programs have overtaken movies in terms of entertain ment value!

@kusum: Unfortunately there was no outstanding display of you-know-what from Ms Sawant. She didn't pull a Carol or a Janet, much to my chagrin :(

@tweety: There were a few imported milk-chocs that I ate today. Note the auxiliary verb "were" :-) You tell Shooo that she will be in a lot of trouble with the mismanagement of sensitive material like MTs, when I get hold of her!!

Keka said...

glad to see someone else shares similar fascination with ms. rakhi shoot-off-the-wrong-side-of-mouth sawant!!!! ;-)

shan said...

Dont we have any more reservations, or terrorists doing something ..... its a slack right now maybe.

I'm on Rakhi's side (whatever she stands for).

Mudra said...

"jo aapka.....(long pause).....kaam pasand karte hain"

Hahahahaa... :)

Anonymous said...

any post cave-in actions?

-sunny

Anonymous said...

But whatever I say the girl has got guts I mean what a way to get publicity...but I certainly do not condone Mika's role in all this either. Just because this girl wears certain clothes, blabs her mouth off on T.V, has no problems being called an "Item Girl" with big u know what which she has no qualms showing off....does this mean that it gives any man the right to assault her?? To kiss her forcibly in a party against her will?? Molest her??

Anonymous said...

"jo aapka.....(long pause).....kaam pasand karte hain"-
lol....too good rahul!!

sandeep said...

Dude... I really need to ask you this
Where did you buy Gunda DVD? In Delhi??

We have been searching for a loooong time...

Asterix said...

@keka: no fascination, just observation :)

@shan: I think its the lull before a storm.

@mudra: yeah, the news anchor was really at a loss of words there!

@sunny: Post cave-in actions..hmm..I recall a beer, thats it.

@anon1: I am not endorsing anyone, just applauding the awesome role played by IndiaTV :)

@anon2: Thanks!

@sandeep: I have a strong feeling that Gunda can be procured from Palika Bazaar, Delhi. Or one of the campus LANs should do it. I had a copy but my hard disk crashed :(

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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sushmita said...

you said it right mate..when chips are down..its things like these which cheer you up more than anything else.........

Anonymous said...

Rakhi Sawant : Whom the puritans and hypocritical self-righteous lu-huuuv to hate.
She being the opposite of what they are.

I admit it..I've taken up chain-reading yr blog to quit chain-smoking.

Refreshing to read a non-judgemental piece that was comically appalled in all the right place.

To Anonymous: I'm in 100% agreements with yr sentiments abt Dikka..oops I mean, Mika.

Mallika said...

Brilliant! HOW do I do these inane things?(obvious rhetorical question)

The last post was from moi.

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