Monday, July 24, 2006

A hole in one

How does one earn quick money? If you are a dumb moron like me, chances are that you would put in nine hours every day at the office. And get a few measly lakhs per year as the compensation.

Or if you are really smart, you would fall into a 50ft deep hole. Thats what a five year old chap named Prince did in Haryana, although he didn't have money on his mind at that time. Now Prince (not to be confused with the arrogant "all-rounder" from Kolkata) was just playing around when he fell into a hole that had been dug for a handpump. Immediately, fecal matter hit the fan and the whole village surrounded the magic hole that had swallowed the child. Fortunately, Haryana's ground water table is as bad as Delhi's, so the kid was safe and dry.

Soon, the press reached the village, with the army and the honorable CM of Haryana in tow. People prayed all over the country for Prince's survival and his story was on all the news networks for 40 consecutive hours. Even our dear old Moneymohan Singhji ordered that the kid be speedily rescued. Such a reaction was missing when 200 people were killed in Bombay a few days back, but we will let such trifling details pass.

Prince, on the other hand, was heavily paying for this sudden fame. Along with food and water, a camera had been lowered into the hole to continuously monitor him. Now I like to think about all the possibilities of a particular scenario, so I couldn't help thinking how on earth would he answer the calls of nature in the invaded privacy of his new habitat.

Anyhoo, to poop or not to poop wasn't the question. Rather it was a question of waiting for the army to dig up a tunnel. That happened after around 45 hours and a scared Prince emerged from his subterranean abode. The quick money thingie happened soon after that. Star TV offered a sum of five lakhs to him, Zee News promised two and another channel announced that it would sponsor Prince's studies.

Well I am sure I can fit into a hole. Not one dug for a handpump but surely one made out for a tubewell. And I promise to look shit scared after my 'ordeal'. And some people have claimed that my mental age is five too. And I need someone to sponsor my PhD so that I can study fulltime. Seen any nice deep holes lately? One with an attached toilet and a DSL connection would be preferred.

18 comments:

Ritesh Nadhani said...

Heheheehe.....nice take on the subject. I was just imagining that Greatbong will soon do his own take on this subject. I was amazed that our technology is so bad that it took 50hours. Also, whats with these news cannels these days?????? Thousands of people die of hunger and nobody even cares.....

Just plain sensionalism....

Tweety said...

Excellent take on the news item :) Minus the satirical humor in your blog, the original story is actually good-stuff for the 'Drama In Real Life' section of RD! Currently yours would fit well in 'Laughter the Best Medicine' ;)

Read it and got a feeling of deja-vu, coz surprisingly me half way through writing up on the same topic, on almost similar lines - Well... you published before me ;)
So Ill have to wait for you to slip down a hole, in order to complete my write up now.

Cheers,
Tweety

Tara said...

Wow.. Unbelievable!! It took them 45 hrs to get that boy out of a hole?? !! But they could get the cameras in?!! Well.. 24 hrs news channels.. they have to show something... and since nothing else is happening...
I'm sure there are plenty of holes in Bombay and Delhi.. Good luck!
:-)

The Golden Silence said...

I happened to be home during this eventful weekend and witness this live action on TV.

Well... it was not just the TV channels who are going fidaa over the Prince. People from all over the globe calling up the TV channels to express their concern and advice on how to rescue the child, chanting of prayers all over the country covered live on TV, thousands of SMSes poring into the special message boxes setup by the TV channels, man I am getting emotional...

Our talented politicians too did not want to be left behind. They kept claiming "we are just 1 hour away from rescuing the child" for a good 12 hours!

Sure the news channels can afford a penny or two after the 45 hour drama that they got to air. Such events have happened in the past in our country, and have been ignored. Dude, who cares about the pit and the potty. Its all about the loot and the booty.

Maybe the name "Prince" attracted the attention of the media and our beloved MMS (Money Mohan Singhji). Make sure that you change your name to "Rajkumar" before you fall into some pit... and also try to co-incide it with your birthday to add the special effects.

Great writeup by you here :)

-The Golden Silence

Asterix said...

@ritesh: Thanks dude. Its sad to see that anything will pass as a 'story' these days.

@tweety: Thanks as usual. I was laughing my ass off the entire time they showed the story on the news. There were news flashes like "Prince ne paani piya" followed by "Prince ne chocolate khaya" :) Hell! even he had better luck getting free chocolates than I did :(

@tara: I have identified and marked some select manholes, gutters, sewage spots in Andheri where I can cosily entrench myself. Star TV's office is nearby and I fully expect some celebrities to pay a visit. The only problem is that the confounded rain may cause some trouble :(
Also I wonder if Reliance's signal would reach such depths!

@goldensilence: Yeah the politicians were like Microsoft salesmen. Always saying "how good is it gonna be and how soon is it coming out" a la Vista. When I 'fall' down, I will make sure that I demand for a broadband connection first before food and water and medicine. And that they dont pull me out before 96 hrs. Me wonders if Dominoes will deliver there though.

anshu said...

The news channels have to dish out crap some way or the other and this time it was Prince they used for their purpose. But the only good thing that I could see coming out from this frenzy was that a life was saved. It was heartening to see government machinery moving to save an indian citizen finally. Although I agree that it looks ironical...nay...comic after the insensitivity shown in Mumbai.

shan said...

I did read about that story but didnt realize it was such a big deal. Boy, 7 lakhs were never made faster.

mani said...

Nice one Rahul. Don't worry unlike in Dortmund, we have plenty of holes in Delhi. ;-) We'll help you find one that fits your requirements.

Asterix said...

@anshu: Sad to see that even after such a media-circus, it took more than 50 hrs to rescue the kid.

@shan: Yeah you are missing out on the all fun over here! :)

@mani: Thanks dude, I will test it on your first ;)

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silverine said...

lol that was so funny, you are good dude :))

Asterix said...

@silverine: Thanks a lot! Read some of your archives. Pretty funny stuff you got there :)

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