Friday, July 07, 2006

Zen helps me strike back. With a vengeance.

A 14 hr flight makes you ponder about stuff. Hardens you and builds your character. They try to break you and snatch your very soul but you resist and fight back. You learn and zen it out.

The flight in question is the long-haul Continental flight from Newark to Delhi which included yours truly as a passenger. The completely full flight also included hordes of tiny tots, ranging from zero to twelve years old in age. And in order to make every passenger's life miserable, Continental had sprinkled the little devils uniformly across the economy section.

Now I usually am not a big fan of kids and normally wish that they should STFU, and this time was no exception. With frequencies ranging from ultrasonic, which would make a dog cry out loud, to the cracked voices of the adolescents we had them all in the flight.

The first half an hour is the easiest because you are optimistic that would indeed STFU and go to sleep or something. The next few are those of intense agony and anger as you wish that their parents had used protection while fornicating. And then you enter the state of Zen when nothing can touch you. More like when Neo dies in the Matrix and becomes the super overlord of the domain. In the Zen state, you have absolute control of your body and mind and you become one with the universe.

" 'ssup dawg? You live in India or what!", asked an ABCD kid with a horrible accent and an even more horrible vocabulary.

Now a lesser man would have recoiled at the question, slapped him a couple times and not answered but I had attained Zen after three hours of torture that violates all rules of the Geneva convention. So I was unfazed.

"Na man, I just chill them niggers out back in the hood with my homies.", said I with my best possible Afro-American accent, before making a "peace" symbol with my index finger and my pinkie. He fell for it and assumed that I was indeed from Harlem and hence, a real badass. I didn't hear from him throughout the remainder of the flight. I felt like Neo did after he killed Agent Smith in the Matrix. This took care of the eastern defence.

The real power of Zen comes from the fact that it helps you do stuff without you having to lift a finger. Some kinda weird psychokinetic stuff. Real scary shit if you ask me.

There was this kid playing in the aisle with two other kids, generally screaming, talking loudly and making life generally miserable for his neighbours including me. So I decided to take the matters in my own hands, but not literally. Remember Zen! It so happened that he was in the middle of one of his generic screams that we happened to lock our eyes. One cold lifeless stare from me, devoid of any emotion and empathy, threatening to suck the very breath out of his lungs was enough to make him STFU. For the rest of the flight, he became deathly quiet whenever he used to pass me. The western front was won without lifting a finger.

But the real challenge remained in the north. Where there was an infant crying incessantly for hours altogether. A pre-Zen Rahul would have committed suicide, or worse, started watching the in-flight entertainment system. Staring coldly or rapping at the infant won't have helped. However Zen came to my rescue again, but before that, a simple mathematical fact begs to be explained.

In a 14 hr flight with three meals and many drinks, there is no way that you won't go. To the restroom. Even Zen won't help you there. Its a cold mathematical fact and you cannot beat maths.

Back to the crying monster. So I had succumbed to my biological need to go to the restroom and had gotten up from my seat. Generally surveying the neighbourhood, I zeroed in on the family in the next row - the one with my crying arch enemy. Naively trying out the stare at the kid won't help. So I turned 30 degrees and stared at the mother. Not one of those lecherous stares that we Delhites are world-famous for, but one of those "I will wipe out your family if you dont pay heed to my order" stare.

The young mother was no match for me. She had no chance. Kinda like when Voldemort vaporized Harry Potter's mother except that I am way better looking than Voldemort. Really.

With that, the area was secure. Peace reigned all around me. As a sign from the Gods, food began to be served. Wherever I looked, grateful eyes of my co-passengers greeted me. Some of them had tears of happiness. Maybe it was because of my deeds or the food really sucked. But anyway, no amount of Zen was enough to make me ignore that. I nodded in return and went into a dreamless sleep.


Ritesh Nadhani said...

Awesome. Will be taking my 4th TRIP to Amrika on 2nd and hope to use your Zen effect myself in the flight.

The earlier 3 flights had same effect on me as you described!

Thanks for the info.

Anonymous said...

Haha, dude, I have had worse experiences with 'tiklis' (kid sardars) in train journeys :D. Once a 'tikli' doing his tarzan antics, crashed on my head while I was asleep. Next thing he says is 'sorry UNCLE' :o, with his mom shouting 'UNCLE ko sorry bolo'. Bugger X-(...

Btw, that day I almost missed my flight, plane's entrance doors were closed when I reached the boarding gate after my 200 mtr sprint :(. The funny thing is that you got through the security checkpoint before me, even though I thought I had moved to the express line :O.


Tara said...

Hi Asterix,
Funny :-)
I love kids.. but even I have lost my patience when there are "kickers" sitting right behind...
Hey Varun,
I didn't know there was an express line for security check in? Newark airport must be special :-)


Asterix said...

@ritesh: Be careful with the Zen, it can backfire too!

@varun: yeah man tiklis are the worst.
good to know that you made your flight just in time :)

@tara: I like kids too. From a distance that is.

shan said...

That was a hilarious flight.

I bought noise cancelling headphones. Trust me, 15 dollars couldnt have been spent better.

I was ok, we had a flood scare, but I survived.

BTW, were you in US for a marathon or something ?

Asterix said...

@shan: Hmmm noise-canceling headphones look like a good idea. Will try them out the next time I fly. And dude, I have never run more than 10 consecutive kms in my entire life...marathon kahan se bhaagoonga!! I was there for a conference and a short holiday.

Ashish said...

which flight was that btw
Lucky bitch atleast you got drinks in my case Air Hostess simply refused after tossing up Vodka bottle closed grrrr...

Anonymous said...

Hi Tara,
I don't know if newark airport is special or that day the express line was for special people ;-). Nonetheless, it didn't serve its purpose :).

Asterix said...

@maverick: Dude, there were no free drinks :( Even a lousy beer was priced at 5 dollars. These cheapo Amru airlines!!

@Varun: Nice to see such romance happening in the comments section of my blog ;) Atleast there is one good use of my blog now.

Tara said...

Hi Asterix,
Yes your blog is very popular for people looking for romance.. right after ",,,,, etc etc.. :-)

Hi Varun,
We get it.. you're special ;-)


Tara said...

Hi Asterix,
Yes... your blog is very popular among losers looking for romance.. in its ratings its right after,,,,, etc etc.. :-)

Hi Varun,
We get it.. you're special ;-)


Tweety said...

Hey Asterix,

So now you've begun duplicating comments in order to increase your comment count ;)
Way to go buddy !


The Golden Silence said...

Hey Tweety,
Yeah! Dont you know comments mean everything ;)

Hey Asterix,
Dont you think I deserve a MT++ for this comment count++ :)

-The Golden Silence

Asterix said...

@tara: It would be heartening and ironical to see my site being in the same league as especially after I haven't managed to hook up with anyone.

@tweety: I dont know whether your sarcasm or your accusation is more lethal :(

@golden silence: Sigh! I yearn for the good old days when comments were made without any ulterior motives. But Tweety is storing my stash of 9 MTs. You can have one from that.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back :-)

anshu said...

hillarious account, like everyone else reminded me of my journey when I was bugged to death by a brat who had three toy guns and he was using all of them in a round robin fashion.

Asterix said...

@preah: Thanks!

@anshu: Yeah toy guns and toy trucks are the worst!!

Anonymous said...

awesome post!!

- pravin

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