Monday, August 28, 2006

Country anxiously awaits SRK's next hamming performance

Bombay (28th Aug): Reports indicate that Shahrukh has become the topmost obsession with the country as of today. Riots broke out in Bombay and Bangalore as his fans went on a looting spree after watching SRK's extraordinarily mediocre performance in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (KANK). This kind of mob behaviour has only a few precedents, such as the sacking of Manchester after Man United won the English Premier League and the plunder of Buenos Aires after the Argentines lifted the World Cup in 1986. Everywhere, SRK's fans displayed scenes of ecstasy and total satisfaction, with a sexual equivalent of a hundred orgasms per fan. Adultery on screen was never sweeter, it seems.

In the movie KANK, Shahrukh plays the role of a failed footballer with the characterstic ease that has now become a part of his persona. Eating ham and cheese for breakfast all these years has finally paid off, as he juggernauts his way into the movie, doing complete justice to a cheesy role with his hamming mega-performance. For the lazy (and intelligent) readers who haven't seen the movie, here are some gory details.
As soon as the movie starts, we are treated to a football match in which His Highness King Khan is a striker. Taking a kick, he displays his ever familiar feminine grace, as his eyes are captured by the camera and shown on the stadium screen. Sigh! if such an amount of optical zoom was available in the Pakistan-England test match, the world wouldn't be tearing its Hair apart right now. Ok ok, I am done with the cheap puns for now. But, as usual, I digress.

A few minutes later, much to the delight of Shahrukh-haters, he meets with an accident and is forced to retire. Rumors say that he was replaced by a kid called Wayne Rooney. Anyway, so he is forced to live at home, watch TV all day, drink beer, make sarcastic remarks and get some action with Preity Zinta at night. So far, everything is going to his plan you would say. He is living the great Indian male dream. But SRK thinks otherwise.

For beneath the thin veneer of cynicism, lies a void. No, not the void in his brain, but a void in his heart. Which no amount of Budweiser and free marital sex with the hottest dame in Bollywood can fill. So he goes ahead and starts flirting with poor Rani a.k.a. Maya. Now Rani, with her brusque masculine voice, has no chance against the coquettish charms of Shahrukh, so she promptly falls for him before the audience can say "What the ...!".

For a while, both the newfound lovers compete in the game of "Who is the silliest?", as exemplified in the furniture-shop fake-sex scene, plagiarized (or "inspired") from the famous diner scene in When Harry met Sally. However, things start getting serious soon. No, not the "main tumhare bacche ki maa banne waali hoon" type, but that their adulterous relationship is soon exposed. The exposure happens when Amitabh (who plays the awe-inspiring character of 'Sexy Sam') discovers the two canoodling in front of Grand Central.

So now, poor SRK, abandoned by the hot-hot Preity, and separated from Rani, is very distraught. This was definitely not something in his grand plan of free Sex in the City! Totally devastated by the lack of female attention, he makes the daring move to Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. But after enjoying brotherly love for three wholesome years, he realizes that the void is still there.

What happens after those three years? Did SRK take a strapping African American dude as his lover? Did he finally come out of the closet? I am afraid I am gonna leave you hanging here. Go watch the movie and enjoy your two hundred minutes of masochism!

Back to the real world now. As of today, there is only one question that the common man has. Will SRK be able to essay the role of The Don in the movie with the same name? Or will his dimples betray his boyish charm? That, my friend, only time will tell. Time and SRK.


Mudra said...

Hehehehe... I am one of the "intelligent" few who haven't watched the movie... 2 reasons - I dislike SRK, and everyone told me it was pathetic, much like wht you've written.

More movie reviews!! More!

dilshad said...

hilarious !!!!......i was not one of the "intelligent" few who didnt watch the movie.....infact i went out of in "how bad can this get?"......
and just to let you know.....your blog link is being circulated everywhere !!!!.....keep it up.....!!!!.......

more reviews........

Asterix said...

@mudra: We SRK-haters have to unite and make a stand!! Now!! :)

@dilshad: Thanks dude. I am anxiously awaiting Don now.

Tara said...

Hi Asterix,
Though I'm not a fan of SRK.. I do like AB Sr. and AB Jr.. however, I'm yet to watch it.. will wait for it to come on DVD..
Great job on the review.. hilarious as usual :-D


Tweety said...

Hehe... Heartening insight.. Since I never managed to watch it after all. And me in total accordance with the views expressed (hehe.. grapes-are-sour). To top it, SRK has cost me a new cell number. And its been like watching all 3 shows of an SRK movie, everyday, for the past 4 days for me!

Naim Peress said...

I think SRK was very good in KANK. He captured that frustrated, unhappy character very well. He showed that he has some range. Perhaps you'd like to see what I thought of KANK at

Naim Peress

Mahima said...

You actually watched KANK complete???? i have stopped counting the number of times u've vowed not to watch Hindi movies.

anyways....what r u doing in B'bay? flunked ur last sem or was it Soni's love? when will u be back in Delhi? would like to watch a hindi movie with you.

Asterix said...

@tara: Watching it on DVD will be like paying BlockBuster to torture you!

@tweety: If you loved KANK then you will absolutely enjoy Don :p I wonder if you will lose you laptop or something the next time you go for watching an SRK trash.

@naim: I beg to disagree. With KANK, SRK has achieved levels of perfection in the areas of hamming and showcasing his extremely limited set of emotions. That dude can't act to save his life!
Will check out your link though.

@mahima: Yeah aadmi hoon aadmi se pyaar karta hoon...;) thats why I am in Bombay. Here on some official work. Aaj Vikram aur Soni ke saath Munnabhai ka plan hai. Btw long time no see!

shan said...

As much as I hate the movie, I find many who just cant get enuff of it.
But the advertising itself made me pay $10 and sit in the first row to go thru the whole ordeal.

silverine said...

LOL damned funny review. This seems to be a movie everyone loves to hate :)

Asterix said...

@shan: Sob sob! I still can't over the "sexy sam" syndrome :(

@silverine: Thanks. Movies like these make us realize that life is too precious to waste.

Keka said...

Hellos from an occasional visitor to yr blog!
and AM I GLAD i dropped in!! :-)
was planning to watch KANK in the next weekend for the lack of anything better to do in life and that life is not all happiness and "orbit white"... and 2 girlfriends bored silly with my refusals to subject myself to SRKs glandular motions AGAIN!!
but might i venture - i am tempted to go watch it just to compare notes!! ;-)

soulstirringexperiences said...

While I was disappointed by this Karan Jauhar movie I still continue to be a BIG SRK fan ( thanx to DDLJ , Dil to Paagal hai, K3G etc )and shall surely continue to watch Karan Jauhar movies.

The duo brings out human relationships and their characteristic beautifully. I love the way he glamorizes the scenes, locations, events and actors. Though in KANK I thought KJ had loosely crafted his characters. It’s very evident that it was meant to be pure commercial cinema. And the mullah he is making speaks for it’s self. While u have every right to have ur opinion on SRK and his acting. The Fact is " Jo Bikta hai woh hi diktha hai “
I must surely appreciate the way you have written the review. Its really great .Being a critic and pouring out ones sarcasm according to me is an art too. He he he he …
Cheers !

Asterix said...

@keka: 2 girlfriends?? Hmmm... its a miracle you find time to blog ;-)
Sure go ahead and watch KANK but then don't say that I didn't warn you! :)

@payal: I don't have the right amount of pretentiousness (read brains) to be a movie critic. Therefore I restrict myself to reviewing Mithun's movies :)
The less said about KANK the better.

Anonymous said...

yeahhh 2 girlfriends!! ;-) aint i the lucky one!!
but u know what - it kinda makes sense when u've been in an all girls school and college and most especially when u're a girl yourself!!!!

STILL HAVENT WATCHED THE MOVIE -sneaked a peek on cable... SRK looks old... and then the lights went off!

Asterix said...

@anon: :-) I can't believe a powercut saved your life. Finally they are good for something.

sangy said...

didn't listen to my roomie...went for the movie. sigh. was depressed for THREE whole days..

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Mallika said...

2 comments from me in 1 day!

But then - yr opinions have been the high point of a boooo-ring day at work.

Never saw KANK. But it must've had SOMEthing for you to write such an enjoyable review!

When can we expect one on DON?

Asterix said...

@sangy: just THREE? You are lucky. I was crying for a whole week and bedridden for another.

@mallika: Thanks! I haven't seen DON yet and will shy away from it unless I am bound and gagged and forced to see it :)

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