Friday, December 01, 2006

Reports reveal every Indian part of three mobs

DELHI (Dec 1): Recent surveys have finally confirmed a long standing suspicion --- every Indian is a member of an average of 3.1 mobs at any given time of the year. The survey was done on an international scale across continents, with the sole aim of gauging the 'group dynamics' prevalent in various countries.

With 3.1 mobs per capita (mpc), India leads the tally, leaving its nearest competitor Iraq far behind with just 1.2 mpc. Pakistan, Somalia, Serbia and Rwanda were awarded the joint third prize with 1.1 mpc each. The usual suspects --- Finland and Norway, brought up the rear with an mpc of 0.001, that arose because of a fight during a football match between the two countries.

The survey also tried to find the reasons behind such phenomenal Indian success. It appears that while the Middle Eastern and African mobs focus only on Sunni vs Shia conflicts or Military vs Civilian fights, the Indian mobs have cleverly avoided putting all their eggs in one basket. They have successfully diversified into Dalit vs non-Dalit, militant feminism, Ganguly-haters vs worshippers , Kaif vs non-Kaif, idolizers vs idol-desecrators, pro vs anti-reservationists and so on.

"And this is in addition to our major offering --- the classic, good old fashioned Hindu vs Muslim clash, which alone guarantees five carnages every year", gushes a high powered official at the Vishwa Hindu Parishad.

In an order to maintain their world supremacy, the Indian mobs have started thinking about their future already. Taking a leaf from the corporate books, they have started exploring hitherto unknown avenues.

"We cannot reveal all our business plans at the moment but here is one that is in the advanced stages of development. Take, for instance, the airplane toilets with their fancy western commodes. Now what is my Uncle from Jaunpur, who has squatted all his life, supposed to do? Besides, adhering to western standards clearly reflects poorly on our great Indian squatting tradition!!", reveals another animated character from Bangalore division of the Indian Mobs.
"To counter this, we are planning a mass burning of atleast five airplanes, along with 20000 litres of aviation fuel, so that they get our message!", he adds.

Heart-rending indeed. And with such ambitious plans in civil aviation, retail, manufacturing and agriculture, the mobs will need enormous manpower. Luckily, India is the second most populous nation (another shining distinction), with one gullible sucker born every second.

We talked to the chief recruitment officer (CRO) here in Delhi.

"Inside every civilized man, there is an animal waiting to set free. One who wants to burn, destroy, rape, pillage, plunder and in general, enjoy life to the fullest. As an individual, all his dreams will perhaps go unfulfilled. But at Indian Mobs, we let him get in touch with like-minded compatriots and re-educate him. Remember, over here, cowardice is not an affliction, its a god-given gift.", said the CRO, echoing the manifesto of Indian Mobs.

We also got in touch with the CEO of Indian Mobs and asked him what he felt about the 3.1 mpc mark.

"Measly 3.1 !!!! How dare they?? My estimate was atleast a 3.8-3.9. Those damned survey companies!! We'll show them! Two hours of stoning and burning their offices should increase their count to 3.5 atleast", answered the CEO, visibly agitated and getting into character.

"But even with 3.9, we have a long way to go towards our 2010 goal of 5 mpc", he sighed.

Indeed, from the Quit India Movement of 1942 to the Quit Muslim Movement in Godhra 2005, Indian Mobs have indeed so evolved beyond recognition, that it brings a tear to this reporter's eye.

8 comments:

The Golden Silence said...

Haha... you have some spark dude. Even I have been planning a few mobs of late.

- Mob against blogs who get too many comments... they just disturb the blogo-harmony among people... there should be some social justice...damn!
- Mob against those imported marathon winners :P

Keeping in line with the philosophy of Indian Mobs... I would not like to reveal too many of the mob plans... lest there could be mobs against Indian Mobs itself... afterall everything is going global and competition is increasing !

Tweety said...

Good to have the 'reporter' with his cynically-humorous pen, back in action :) A very refreshing and easy-going take on the issue, albeit reality does keep biting back!

I felt the only saving grace was the inculpable commuters being allowed to vacate the train-compartments before they were torched. This did manage to avert the incorrigible... however the bigger tragedy however lies in the mentality of the tax-payers themselves - who resort to such mindless annihilation of their own resources, and then end up paying further taxes for the restoration of the same!

Mudra said...

Lol... hilarious, as usual... but I think we're much closer to 5 m.p.c. than 3.1! :)

Anonymous said...

Wow!! Great post..Funny take on a serious issue.. but hey, where would we be without our mob mentality? I think this mob thing is what unites us.. :-)
-V

Asterix said...

@goldensilence: Not bad ideas at all! Will suit my ulterior motives just fine ;-)

@tweety: A long time ago I realized that being cynical about it is better than being bitter and getting heartburns :)

@mudra: Thanks, but are you questioning the veracity of the report? Are you?

@V: Thanks. But I guess we surely can find something else to unite us --- e.g. the great Indian heritage.

Gautam said...

Your blog was worth the glowing recommendation that led me to it.
Nothing dumb or typical about it.Except the bit about "Militant feminism"

Dude,you don't have to be a woman or have a degree in "Human Rights" to know that "Street sexual harassment" is an all too real & powerful menace in India.
And the tragedy tht most women condition themselves to suffer it as a fact of life.

Anyone - Man or Woman - who recognises AND raises awareness abt such issues deserves commendation.

And since you don't subscribe to ignorant labels like "immoral" & "obscene" that the Shiv Sena & Co. lu-huuv throwing around - why jump on the bandwagon?
Like most "educated" indians,not just the men :) who enjoy being ignorant abt feminism & gender rights by dissing it.

Asterix said...

@gautam: Thanks for the kudos dude.

About my comment on "military feminism", let me say that I am not denying the menace caused by sexual harassment. Indeed, anyone who increases awareness about it is doing a great job.

What I do not get is that a few people go overboard in trying to "make things better". I am not denouncing the blank noise project, but a few posts in their blogathon were written in poor taste.
They essentially pointed out that *all* men look for sex on the street and that they have no control over their urges.

I realize that I should not have linked to the top level blanknoise blog blindly, but to the specific post that I found disgusting. Since I am too lazy to find that post now :) I will just remove my link. I hope I answered your concerns. Thanks for pointing this out!

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