The greatest game of all time

For some reason I was reading a technical article on Wikipedia, and in four inevitable clicks I found myself on the page for Super Mario Brothers, the greatest and most popular game of all times. Back when my parents had bought a TV game system, I was rationed 30 minutes of game time every day. Though the cartridge had 76 games, Super Mario was the clear choice on many of those days. Now that I use a Nintendo emulator, the game still remains the alpha dog.

For die hard fans, here are some awesome renditions of the opening theme of the game --- flute beatboxing, clarinets, flute and clarinet, piano, guitar, Guitar Hero, acappella, church organ, and an orchestra rendition.

Some very unusual and highly creative renditions --- with an ordinary 20cm ruler, and another with a toy car and dozens of beer bottles!!

Let me get some ketchup so I can eat my words

Okay, now that the circus is over, the time has come to evaluate our predictions.

Rank	Predicted	Actual
1	Kolkata Knight Riders	Chennai Super Kings
2	Bangalore Royal Challengers	Mumbai Indians
3	Delhi Daredevils	Bangalore Royal Challengers
4	Kings XI Punjab	Deccan Chargers
5	Mumbai Indians	Delhi Daredevils
6	Chennai Super Kings	Kolkata Knight Riders
7	Deccan Chargers	Rajasthan Royals
8	Rajasthan Royals	Kings XI Punjab

As the alert reader will notice, we managed to make only eight mistakes out of a grand total of eight. Now I am not one to make excuses, so I will not try to wriggle out of this embarrassment. Instead I will point out the probability of getting every single rank wrong if I were to guess wildly --- around 37%.

Machine learning and marriage

(With apologies to those who do not know machine learning)

I had a dream of benzene proportions a few nights ago. For some inexplicable reason,

I was pondering about marriage a lot that night. Not my marriage, but marriage in

general -- why do guys go for it? what is the benefit to both the parties etc? The usual stuff, no biggie. I forgot about it and went to bed thinking about Mount Doom as usual.

Three hours later, I was talking to myself in a dream:

Me1: You know that a single guy is like a very high dimensional vector with high density and very few zeros.

Me2: No kidding! Why?

Me1: A single guy holds a lot of opinions on thousands of issues, is quite dogmatic, has two cents on every problem, and everything is important to him. If you ask him anything, you will rarely draw a blank.

Me2: Hmmm fair enough I guess, go on.

Me1: A girl is like a projection matrix and a marriage is like projecting the guy vector on a low dimensional space with high sparsity.

Me2: I don't get it. Why is marriage a sparse vector in low dimensions?

Me1: Think about it. Marriage means finding commonalities between the two people => low dimensions, and marriage really depends only on a select few solid traits => sparsity. After marriage, the guy lets go (or has to let go) of most of his opinions, 'compromise' and focus only on the important things.

Me2: Ok fine, marriage is a sparse vector in a low dimensional space. Big deal. What's your

point?

Me1 (smiling): My point?

Me2 (impatient): Yes, your point.

Me1: Johnson Lindenstrauss lemma

Me2: Johnson Lindenstrauss lemma?

Me1: Precisely.

Me2: ??

Me1 (beatific smile):

Me2: OH!!!

Me2: Man! You just blew my mind!

For those of you who are not aware of the lemma, it states that with high probabilily, any random projection matrix can be employed to project a high dimensional vector into a low dimensional one, with small loss in the resulting transformation. For marriage it means that do not think about who you should marry, just pick a random girl, and with high probability the end outcome won't be too bad ;-) I fell into a blissful sleep after that.

Probably the only time in my life when I impressed myself.

PS: Would have loved to see an XKCD cartoon of that.

IPL Predictions - part 3

As we write the final part in this prediction series, we humbly note that at least two of our earlier predictions has come true -- Sehwag made a characteristic 8(6) in the match against Punjab, and Sreesanth did take his wicket, although sitting in US we couldn't see if Sreesanth ran a half-marathon victory lap or not.

Now without further delay, our final two teams are:

Bangalore Royal Challengers (RC)

New Motto: Now with jerseys redder than our faces when we lose the final

At the time of writing, RC have yet to play a game, and so we can still speculate who the captain is going to be. Since Mr Skunk Hairdo is still playing in Bangladesh, RC's megalomaniac owner has no choice but to give the captaincy once and for all to Kumble. Since the Kiwis are playing against Australia right now, it means that Mr Beer Belly aka Jesse Ryder, and Mr I-don't-play-any-off-side-shots Ross Taylor are out for at least a few weeks. Thus it is the South Africans that RC must trust, after all they provide four members of the squad.

It is our prediction that without Taylor and Pieterson, RC will find it difficult to make do with the antics of Roelef Van der Merwe and Uthappa. We expect them to lose more than half their league matches in the first three weeks. This will be followed by a slight revival on the return of Taylor (maybe winning three consecutive matches), only to find out that it is almost too late, which will lead Kumble to adopt his familiar angry constipated look. In the last few crunch matches, RC will raise their game however, make the final four, and will probably beat Delhi Daredevils (who are just dying to lose in the semis) to reach the final against KKR. An hour before the final, we expect Kumble to give a stirring LOTR pre-war speech to his wards.

"Men inside the bewdaas, I see in your eyes the fear of Shane Bond that will take the heart of me! A day will come when we will play on to our stumps, but it is not this day! A day might come when we all fall to Mendis, when even Agarkar gets a wicket, but it is not this day! I say, this we fight! This day we SLOG SWEEP!"

The story of the final has been told elsewhere, but we expect Kumble to take at least 3 wickets, including that of Dada (trapped in front). At the presentation ceremony, Kumble, as the losing captain, will make a solemn speech -- "Only one team played in the spirit of the game, and it was not us" before correcting himself 2 seconds later.

Prediction: 2

Reaction: Megalomaniac eating his red RC cap for the second consecutive year.

Rajasthan Royals

Let's face it. RR are a completely unpredictable bunch, and we saw that in the match against Mumbai, where they almost made it after making reservations in the parade of the losers.

So what is it going to be this year? It is tempting to say they will be in the bottom two, because that is the only position remaining in our predictometer, but let's try to justify, shall we?

First, is it just us, or is Shane Warne fatter than even his usual chubby standards? When he runs in the infield, he looks like a sloth bear gently ambling onto the nearest tree in search for shade.

But let us not go by the looks, for he is still sharp as a tack. Instead, let us look at the changes. They do not have Watson or Tanvir (or Mr Butterfingers aka Kamran Akmal for that matter). On the plus side, they only have the formidable presence of Pathan and the equally formidable absence of Kaif. Some might argue that Asnodkar will find it easy to play in the Indian pitches with his 4' 3" frame (discounting his second ball run-out yesterday), but we find him over-rated, like Kamran Khan and Ravindra Jadeja (also absent). Shaun Tait will not matter much on these pitches, but Damien Martyn will, sadly he will not get to play much.

All in all, if Yusuf and Smith fail, RR will be reduced to becoming everybody's favorite whipping boy. We don't expect to see Shilpa and Shamita Shetty jumping up and down in the stands very often this year. Consequently we arrive at the inevitable conclusion.

Prediction: 7 or 8

Reaction: Shane Warne nonchalantly drinking beer and playing poker with the crowd at deep extra cover, and Yusuf Pathan making his usual angry monkey faces (except against Deccan for obvious reasons) after every loss.

IPL Predictions (part 2)

We present the second part in the three part series on IPL predictions. Part 1 is here.

Kings XI Punjab

New Motto: IPL? 1 million dollars. Champions League? 2.5 million. A hug from Preity? Priceless.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind a successful team is also a woman, preferably beautiful and giving out hugs to select players after victories. KXIP's run in this IPL, while not truly platinum, will still be golden. That is, if you can call losing in the semis golden. Well, the Delhi Daredevils call it golden, so golden it is. Our trust in KXIP's golden patch is well founded because of several strong reasons, not many of which have to do anything with cricket.

First, Preity is no longer in a relationship. This means she will be giving out proper hugs to the entire team, without incurring the wrath of Ness Wadia. As any Indian male will tell you, a hug can work wonders, especially with babies like Sreesanth on board. As a backup, those who do not get hugs will get one from VRV Singh, for obvious non-veg reasons that we refuse to discuss. Secondly, in their opening match against Delhi, Sreesanth will clean bowl Sehwag, and in celebration will run three victory laps and a 2-mile run outside the stadium, while IPL shows ads. This will leave him with no energy to play the rest of the tournament, which means a better bowler will take his place. Third, Sangakkara will replace Yuvraj as a captain, freeing the latter to play his natural game or picking his nose at backward point without the fear of camera zoom-ins. Corollary: Sangakkara will not be able to pick his nose.

These positive developments can only mean one thing.

Prediction: 3 or 4

Reaction: Preity jumping up and down in the dug-out will finally cause a cave in, and the Mohali ground will become as sloped as Lord's.

Deccan Chargers

New Motto: Yo Afridi! Now we too play home games away from home.

Let's face it, Chargers are the new Pakistan. Well not exactly, for they were not the victims of terrorism or bombings. Just some true blue Hyderabadis, who ensured that Gilchrist won't be able to play in the batsman-friendly Hyderabad stadium. Instead they will play in Nagpur and another city whose name rhymes with buttock (yes, we find it funny). While we don't know if this will lead to butt-clenchingly tight matches or a loose flow of runs, we do know that Gilchrist won't give a damn. One opposition bowler will be picked at random (last year it was Nannes), and he will carted for 5 or 6 boundaries in his first over, thereby completing the proof that T20 is definitely not a bowler's game. Last year, seasoned career bowlers like Yuvraj Singh and Rohit Sharma had bowled hat-tricks. This time our money is on young Harmeet Singh, whose express pace of 128ks will distress all and sundry on Indian pitches. Also, replacing Fidel Edwards will be Kemar Roach, a bowler whose name makes the batsman instinctively reach out for Baygon spray, losing their wicket in the process. RP Singh will keep things balanced by providing his usual 4-0-48-0 at the other end. However, overruling them all will be the mercenary Symonds, who will continue exploiting cricket grounds smaller than Mumbai apartments. Watch out Kolkata! you got competition.

Prediction: Runner up by a small margin. After all, Bond. Shane Bond.

Reaction: Wayne Parnell of Delhi will announce his retirement after being pounded for 6 fours in his opening over against Gilchrist. Also, VVS Laxman will manage to show genuine happiness inspite of not playing a single match.

Chennai Super Kings

New Motto: The team of brothers and bosoms.

The motto is obviously derived from the most puke-inducing statement of the year,viz Matthew Hayden's proclamation -- "I have been welcomed into the bosom of India as a brother". We predict that Dhoni will continue to inspire his team with honest statements like "Our bowling was quite short of the mark", "Our bowling needs to improve drastically in the next game", "We cannot afford to field like this in the finals" and so on. As a result, CSK will continue to deliver gems like this.

We now digress and make two statements about CSK that have nothing to do with predictions. First, we think that watching Hayden and Parthiv Patel strolling out to bat is the funniest possible sight in IPL. They look like Goliath and David, like a lion and a (dwarf) gazelle, like Morgoth and Pippin, like a kangaroo and its prematurely born baby. Parthiv's desperate attempts at growing a moustache makes it funnier. Second, we believe that Sivaramanahasapeemapetilon, or whoever is the CSK drummer, is highly overrated who should be made to listen to his own 'music' (if you can call it that). If wearing a bandana and showing 'passion' was enough, I would be giving Bono a run for his money.

Coming back to predictions, everyone knows that Super Kings rely on just three players --- Hayden, Raina and Murali. It is our conviction that since Hayden will be busy exploring India's bosom and what not, it will be up to Raina and Dhoni to score quickly. Since Dhoni's pilot license is still pending, he will not be allowed to play his favorite helicopter shot, thereby curtailing his array of shots to just one -- the unsightly scoop over short fine leg. Realizing this, Dhoni will promote Kemp and Albie Morkel to do the hitting, who will be as lost on Indian pitches as a kid in a topless bar (hat tip: Sidhu). So we don't expect to see anything great coming out of CSK this year, except the occassional victory here and a fielding gem there.

Prediction: 5 or 6

Reaction: "Our goddamn bowlers and SOB fielders really need to improve dammit! I am serious!" - Dhoni.

IPL Predictions (part 1)

We work in Machine Learning down here in our secret labs, and by we I obviously mean me and my alter ego. Before you say "Machine Whaaaa?", let me say that my job is to make 'intelligent' predictions. Since the IPL is near, this can only mean one thing.

We break our self-imposed blog exile by posting a series of predictions about the IPL rankings this year. Anyone using these predictions for betting or gambling better give me 10% of the winnings.

We begin with part one.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

a) Delhi Daredevils:

New Motto: "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Hurray for the bridesmaid!"

DD's game plan is to perform really well in the league stage. This leaves them with no mojo for the semi-finals, where they inevitably lose big time. Having perfected the fine art of finishing 3rd or 4th, my predictometer says that the result this year will not be any different. We predict that DD will be carried by the awesome trio, i.e. Warner, AB, and Dilshan, while Sehwag provides consistent scores of the form 4(3) and 8(4). Let us not forget Gambhir, who will probably pitch in with gritty knocks of 7(12) and 15(14). We expect to see plenty of first over dismissals when DD is batting.

In the bowling department, Nannes will again have a golden patch (except the semis, ouch!), and Nehra will provide support in fits and starts with figures like 4-0-32-1. Again, Vettori and Dilshan will lead the spin attack, with Mishra busy mis-fielding at mid-on. New boy Parnell will not be used heavily as all four foreign slots will have huge contenders. Consequently Pradip Sangwan will tell his grand-children that he kept Parnell on the bench. Paul Collingwood and Moises Henriques will be utilized to do what they do best -- fetching water and towels.

Prediction : 3 or 4

Reaction: Hurray! We get to play in the Champions League!

b) Mumbai Indians:

New Motto: "Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, one match at a time".

MI have lost so many matches in the last over that one wonders if Nita Ambani has any of her manicured nails left. This hurts them a lot as they always succeed in finishing a comfortable 5th or 6th (Hey! it is better than 8th, they say). However things might change as Mukesh Ambani has sold off his house to pay for Kieron Pollard in the latest auction. If Pollard displays his famed hitting skills even twice, Mumbai may threaten to break into the top-4. But we know MI very well, don't we?

We predict that Jayasuriya will finally succumb to his age, thus nullifying the Pollard factor, and Sachin will play the "Tendulkar card", whereby the entire Indians team will collapse after he gets out. In the middle order, Duminy will fall first ball LBW to

every spinner, mistaking him for Bhajji. Thus, even Mishra from Delhi will get his wicket. Therefore, the only Mumbai Indian who can erroneously propel the team into the top-4 is Abhishek Nayar. If MI play their cards right, they will have to ensure that he gets out before that. Maybe Dwayne Bravo or Bhajji can run him out.

As an aside, in the two matches against Rajasthan Royals, old-timers will have a mini-orgasm after seeing a sum total of five balls that Warne bowls to Sachin (at least one of which will be hit inside out over extra cover). We also predict that this time Bhajji will slap Brett Lee by mistake, and then walk with a pelvic plaster cast after that.

Prediction: 5 or 6

Reaction: Either "Sachin: the ball was coming onto the bat" or "At least it is better than finishing last."

c) Kolkata Knight Riders:

New Motto: "Is baar to karbo larbo jeetbo re $@#$@#!"

Ah! the KKR, how we love them and hate them. All that we remember from KKR @ IPL 2009 is Dada's glowering and sulking face. But this time to udi baba re! they are in for a solid surprise. The captaincy will revert to Dada, and with the dictatorship restored, things will run much more smoothly. The line up will be "Gayle, Dada, Hodge, Hussey, unmentionables, equally unmentionable Agarkar,...,Bond". Gayle will again enjoy the lifeless pitches in India, making scores like 48(31) and 66(39), while Dada will be the perfect foil with scores like 4(13) and 22(35), with an average opening partnership of 55 runs. As before, Hodge and Hussey will win matches for KKR (if any). So what is the difference then? Well, there are three.

One -- the alert reader might notice the absence of McCullum, the ex-captain. While the official reason will be that he is busy playing against Australia, Dada will secretly celebrate at not having to deal with his old-flame. A happy captain always inspires. Given that Dada can neither bat nor bowl and definitely not field in T20, it is imperative that he at least remains positive. Two -- Bond, Shane Bond. He will single handedly give KKR two wickets per match, with figures like 4-0-18-2. Care must be taken that his figures are not nullified by Agarkar, or Kaan Moolo as he is better known these days. Three -- the law of the underdogs. In the long history of IPL, one has seen that the supposed underdogs always perform the best.

Rajasthan did it first, and Deccan/Bangalore did it next. Well last year, KKR were not even the underdogs, they were the fleas on the underdogs. Inevitably, they will perform HUGE this year.

Together, these three immutable laws can mean only one thing.

Prediction: WINNER! (Yes, holy sh**, even I can't believe what I predict!)

Reaction: My name is Khan and I am finally a goddamn IPL winner!

(Subsequent parts to be posted later)

This birthday ain't too bad after all

Dil Bole...Mat jaaa

BOMBAY (25 Sep): Last weekend I found myself persuaded by my friends to see the latest circus act -- Dil Bole Hadippa (DBH). And since spending hard enough dough on sure-shot tripe is my favorite pastime nowadays, I duly obliged.

DBH delivers on all expected fronts of a Yash Raj movie. The audience feels like it has been through a lobotomy coupled with an anal probe, where the anaesthetic was replaced by Vogon poetry. Let us look at the checklist for a patented Yash Raj film.

1. 100% Punjabi theme. Check.
2. All Punjabis living/defacating/mating/studying/sleeping in sarson ke khet, and driving either a truck or a luxury car. Check.
3. Lead cast shoddily speaking colloquial Punjabi words to construct pseudo Punjabi sentences that make the ears rot. Check. Bonus points if Punjabi words are restricted to vich, pind, asi, tusi, saada, te, tuada, chak de, balle, lalle-di-jaan, oye-hoye. Any other words are completely banned because Yash Raj Films' pseudo Punjabi department doesn't know what they mean or how to pronounce them.
4. One dimensional storyline with out-and-out good and bad guys, and side characters completely ignored. Check.
5. Stupid misunderstanding at the end, which any living organism with the IQ of an amoeba would easily counter in real-life, but which separates the lead hero and heroine. Check.
6. 4273 Sikh junta who are always around in complete Bhangra gear, should the hero/heroine desire to gyrate at any point in the movie. Check.
7. An intellectually retarded, but emotional "heart of gold" possessing parent. Check.
8. Harvest season going on irrespective of the month of the year, and the farmers singing in the fields in full make-up. Check.
9. Portraying super-emotionality and obnoxious conservatism as Indian and everything good. Check. Bonus points if there is a character who is the antithesis of this portrayal and who by the end of the movie is shown as a loser.
10. Highly retarded characters (usually a relative of the main character, or a servant) providing really boring "comic relief". Check.
11. Sappy emotional mono/dialogue that would form the key turning point of the movie. Check. Bonus points if the lines look out of place in even a 1950s movie.

I could go on, but I guess you get the drift. On the plus side, large parts of the movie do qualify for the "so bad it is good" category. And Rani Mukherjee, who is competing for the Best Actress in the Anorexia Category against Kareena Kapoor, looks "different". Come on girl! Bring on the flab and thunder-thighs! That's what the male crowd paid their 150 bucks for! As another minor plus, Shahid Kapoor has finally transitioned from "so bad I want to kill him" category to "I can tolerate him if he doesn't ham" category. Speaking of hamming, the only truly funny scene in the movie is the one where he emulates the Emperor of Hamming, SRK, from DDLJ.

Yash Raj films also have a proud tradition of possessing gaping logical loopholes, a tradition which they have heavily strengthened with this movie. Cases in point:
(a) When there is a Indo-Pak village-level match, the entire guest village easily gets a visa to visit the host village. That includes Rakhi Sawant.
(b) Every team member calls the captain "Sir", not because he has been knighted, but because he demands so and because the team is funded by his dad (his words, not mine!). It doesn't matter that the captain looks 10 years younger than many of his teammates.
(c) There are multiple video cameras that provide HD coverage of the village-level match. IPL organizers must be crying themselves to sleep on seeing this.
(d) Putting a moustache and turban is enough to disguise a girl as a man. It doesn't matter that there is no other body hair, the voice is still husky, and the chest is still, how shall I say it, merrily pointing outwards.

It suffices to say that I had to watch No Country for Old Men later to nullify the brain damage suffered that evening.

Life of a PhD student

My life in slides. Enacted by Homer Simpson. (Flash-plugin required. Click on a slide to move to the next).

Goa is not what they claim it to be!

[Disclaimer: I lurve Goa/Goans/Goan-food. Mainly because I spend a lot of time within slapping distance of a Goan.]

BOMBAY (3 Apr) So last weekend I found myself boarding a flight to Goa, presumably for attending a wedding reception. However, even a pea-brained monkey knows that no one goes to Goa for attending receptions, and I am slightly better than a monkey. Almost a gorilla, if you will. So the plan was to spend no more than twelve seconds at the said reception, and spend the rest of the stay bathing in (a) Ocean water and/or (b) Beer. Little did I know that my sugary sweet plans will become more bitter than a karela dipped in bile.

It all began when all of my following pre-conceived notions about Goa turned out to be false, thanks to the misleading info given to me by my Goan friends, the tourist brochures, and Goa tourism advertisements:
(a) Every one doesn't wear a straw hat and play Spanish guitar.
(b) People don't sit on their porches all day, drinking feni. (Most do, but not all).
(c) The proportion of non-Catholic population is much more than zero percent.
(d) Remo Fernandes and Mario Miranda can't be sighted just like that.
(e) Hardly 10-20% girls wear skirts, instead of, say 98-99%.
(f) Beaches occupy only 0.2% of the land area of Goa, instead of the expected 97.3% (with the airport occupying the remaining 2.7%).
(g) People lead normal boring family lives in Goa, just like in the rest of the country.

Needless to say I was disappointed beyond measure. But my miseries had just started. For what I saw and experienced next, changed me irreparably for the rest of my life. I am, ofcourse, talking about the oxymoron "Goan veg food". For you see, I belong to the creamy layer of people who perform repulsion-demonstrating acrobatics when offered non-veg food. During my many "veg" meals in Goa, I found out the following:

(a) The epitome of a Goan veg meal, the creme de la creme, the Mithun Chakravarty of the Goan vegetarian cuisine is none other than *hold your breath* the jackfruit. Whereas for me, it is in the category of inedibles clubbed under the generic label of kaddoo.
(b) All Goans are lactose intolerant. This explains the lack of curd/lassi/chhaach/paneer/gravy/(I am drooling now) in any of the Goan meals. Makes you tear your hair and yell "WHYYY! GOD WHY!!" , doesn't it?
(c) There is no difference between french fries and fish fries. This is because they are both cooked in the same oil. In retrospect this wasn't too bad, because the dry potato fries got a smooth passage down my throat helped along by my gag reflex.
(d) Chapaatis are for pansies. Self-explanatory.
(e) Speak and thou shalt be heard, but ask for a spoon and thou shalt be given one tight slap.
(f) The trick to being a good guest is to ask for second and third helpings, all the while fantasizing about Domino's pizzas.

But seriously, and here comes the ass-kissing part, I did love the hospitality in a wedding-waala-ghar, and I did enjoy the food and the company, and I did spend about 7200 more seconds at the reception than the original plan. So all in all it was a wonderful trip. Although someone should seriously follow up on my suggestion of serving a complimentary chunk of paneer to every North Indian tourist after landing. You can usually tell those tourists apart by their smashingly good serial-molester looks.

So long Goa! and thanks for all the fish (fries i.e.).

PS: One more proof that Goa is not what they claim it to be -- not even a single news about a white woman being molested. Yes, I was in Goa. Yes, even then.

A cricket rant

There is an excellent, though long rant on the present state of affairs in cricket. Things are bad for people in general, with all too frequent terrorist strikes and a bad economy. One might look towards cricket as a last refuge, though that too has fallen prey to the hard times.

Only one good piece of news in these glum times --- Australia reclaiming a spot that they so briefly lost to another excellent team. The natural order has been restored. Good to see Australia doing so well inspite of the absence of Gilchrist, Hayden, Symonds, Warne and McGrath.

Meanwhile the Indian sports media is showing its objectivity going gaga over the new found success of the national team. A team that lacks a good second seamer (Ishant is still too inconsistent) and a good spinner (Bhajji? Oh please!). A team with a supremely talented but not too reliable opener whose philosophy is to "hit every ball", which works very well on the pint-sized Kiwi grounds. Nah! this team needs time and consistent performances on fast pitches to become truly world-class.

Now if only they pushed back the boundaries by twenty yards, banned flat pitches as the ones in the West Indies series, and played in stadiums atleast as big as the MCG, cricket would be worth watching again. I wish to see matches where 230 makes an excellent defendable total.

Oh and while I am still ranting, will someone please throw the cheerleaders out!

Blogger slyly slips in a post before the end of the year

I reckoned what better than to give the old readers a jolt by proclaiming my existence after a gap of four months!

The year 2008 was a very interesting year in many aspects for me. First, Mumbai was under siege twice in a span of just 28 days. I am, of course, talking about the 4-day siege of the IIT campus during the Mood-Indigo fest in December. The little terrorists were all home grown and came from all localities of Bombay. It was yet another security failure at IIT, as 17-yr old PYTs entered the main gate of IIT by uttering the magic password (psst, it is 'faculty'). Holding the residents at ransom, the young jihadis made their moods all shades of purple and red. Infact any color but indigo. They possessed sophisticated weapons, including wannabe attitudes and SMS lingo. And we all know that words like "wid" and "dere" can pierce any brain with a double digit IQ. My heart goes out to the 30-yr old anonymous unarmed civilian post-doc, who jumped at and single-handedly evicted seven of the intruders, without caring for his life. If that is not enough to get him a Padma Bhushan, then I don't want to live in this country anymore.

Now according to a totally untrustworthy "gender-indicator" site, this is a 52% heterosexual blog, so enough about gay colors like indigo. Another color that fell out of favor during this year was yellow, or as the Aussies call it, Baggy Green. Nothing gave me better joy than to see them drubbed by our chindi si Indian team in India, and then by South Africa in Australia. There is a god after all, and I strongly suspect that he has made 49.5% reservations in all matches played by India.

Then there were other things, whose memories have faded/blocked for now --- like The Dark Knight, the 5-0 whitewash of England and the seemingly endless PhD.

All in all, can't complain too much. Looking forward to crib in 2009.

Have a good one.

Local gambler claims he has a "system"

SAN JOSE (28 Aug): For the past few days, I have been afflicted with the gambler's syndrome. A syndrome where the wannabe gambler usually utters the phrase "I have a system" on the lines of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream". In my case, the phrase is "I have a dream to have a system".

In a recent trip to Las Vegas, presumably for a conference, I met up with an old friend, whom I had not met for years. Since he is a surgeon by profession, he thinks it is perfectly fine to apply his scalpel handling abilities to gambling. Little did I know that his scalpel would cut my wallet in half.

Armed with the knowledge of probabilities from the 10th grade, he persuaded me to try out a "system" that he had invented. After the 2nd beer, I agreed to listen to him. After 4th, I agreed that it is a fine system, and after 6th I agreed to try it myself.

With 200 dollars worth of chips in hand, we set out to the roulette table. I was singing songs of separation to the chips because I knew that I won't see them ever again. It was therefore pretty surprising that we won 50 bucks. Promptly disposing the sinful money to do some other sins that Vegas is famous for (no, not that), we decided to try the system again, this time at 5 in the morning. Lo and behold! another 40 bucks. By this time we had so many chips that I was forced to eat some of them with ketchup.

Ever suspicious, I went to my room and did a computer simulation of the system, which we had come to call our system. I was flabbergasted to see that the machine supported the surgeon.

Our greed grew, and so did our idiocy. We changed casinos the next day, and started another round. I promptly lost 60 bucks. Hmmm...interesting. Eager to recover the money, we went to our lucky table in our lucky casino. Lost bigtime. 200 bucks.

Since then, my catchphrase has become "I have a dream to take the scalpel and run it on my friend". Since then I have also found a flaw in my simulation.

Since then, I have also devised a new "improved" system. Next time, Vegas. I will get you next time.

Update from Suryanagar

SOUTH BAY AREA (3 Aug): Incase you are still wondering, Suryanagar is the slang for "Sunnyvale" aka the Indian ghetto in the Silicon Valley.

In local news, many charity runners in the San Francisco Marathon today failed at finding a cure for AIDS (see a funny Onion story here). Yours truly ran the half marathon, despite being completely out of shape and finished in a respectable 2 hrs 5 mins. The best part of the race was obviously the 4 miles going over and back on the super-awesome Golden Gate bridge. The race route was pretty scenic, along the Embarcadero road (which runs along the seafront), then the Golden Gate bridge over the ocean and some San Francisco residential neighborhoods. The notoriously steep San Francisco inclines were peppered throughout the course and they made sure that I never became complacent. But enough about the race.

My internship is wrapping up and I expect to be back in the filthy and disgusting city of Bombay in a month (I don't know how you Indians live there) ;-) And if I survive the ass-whooping I expect to get on this remark, I will resume my PhD, which has been under a moratorium for the past few months.

Local visitor has hard time giving sh*t about Clinton-Obama tussle

San Francisco (Jun 4): Recent reports have indicated that local tourist Rahul Gupta, who is visiting California for a 3-month internship, doesn't really give a damn about the boxing match between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The 24x7 coverage of the issue on the news channels and the late night shows seem to have really pissed him off.

But what really gets his goat is that a majority of the "non-resident aliens" in US, who have no voting rights, seem to have invested a lot of time in forming their opinion. Even a FOB seems to have taken a stronger stand than the true blue Democrat citizens.

As this article was going to the press, news came in that Hillary is going to concede the nomination to Obama. Relieved, the local intern said that now he can finally watch high quality shows such as American Idol, Wife Swap, ElimiDate and Jerry Springer.

Team loses despite support from local fan

BOMBAY (5 May): In a surprising piece of news, visiting IPL team and favorites Delhi Daredevils lost to the bottom-ranked Mumbai Indians yesterday. What is even more surprising is that this happened despite the local Daredevils fan Rahul Gupta wearing a team cap. At a great risk to life and limb, he went to the stadium and wore the black and red cap amidst a sea of blue t-shirts unimaginatively titled "10-Tendulkar".

The cap was flown all the way from Delhi for the express purpose of pissing off the local crowd in this much anticipated cricket match between Delhi and Mumbai. Virender Sehwag, the captain of the Daredevils, however had different plans. Keeping in mind his goal of making the league interesting, he first ran one of the batsmen out and later gifted away his own wicket through the most childish of shots. Rubbing salt to the fan's wounds, Sehwag later uttered "thanks Mumbai" in an act of diplomatic wimpiness unbecoming of a Delhite.

Wimpiness, however, was not on display in the stands. Local nut-job Rahul Gupta once loudly proclaimed "do aur wickets maangta hai" after one of the Mumbai wickets fell. When one of the thousand odd nearby Mumbai supporters angrily enquired "abey kisko do aur wicket chahiye?", the Delhi fan pointed to the Daredevils icon on his cap and said with a serious face -- "isko chahiye!".

PS: I shall not wear the cap during the next Delhi game. Yes, I do believe in jinxes.

Pissing off Mumbaikars

BOMBAY (21 Apr) As much as I love this city, nothing beats annoying the hell out of its dyed-in-the-wool residents. Case in point --- IPL loyalties. Having spent 2.5 years in Mumbai, my cricket loyalties are torn apart in a 70:30 ratio between, yes you guessed it right, Delhi and Mohali.
Call me choosy, but I will select Preity Zinta over Nita Ambani any day. And lets face it, Mumbai "Indians" is the gayest team name ever, gayer than even Kolkata "Knight Riders".

I am now waiting for my Delhi Daredevils cap to arrive from Delhi. Sitting in a Mumbai college hostel and cheering against Sachin Tendulkar should be fun!!

Change in format

BOMBAY (21 Apr) Writing long posts is hard work for me and pure torture for the reader, so I have decided to finally ditch that format. From now on, expect "cat gives birth to a dog" kinda short posts in the future. You all can heave a sigh of relief now!

New guy expresses desire to have babies with Marathi manoos

Latest news indicate that new guy Rahul Gupta, who just moved into Bombay a few weeks ago from Delhi, is so scared that he has been forced to change underwear three times a day, all thanks to the local nut Raj Thackeray. In a press release, the new guy stated that he is all for a Marathi-exclusive state comprising of, but not necessarily limited to the present day Maharashtra. The title of this post is the same as that of the press release, which was disseminated to appease the local Sainik/Sena goons.

In response to Thackeray's "Ask not what I have done for India, ask what YOU have done for Maharashtra", the new guy said that he has already decided to donate his entire monthly stipend to the beggars at Haji Ali (non-Marathi beggars please excuse). "I can get by without a stipend. If not, I can always beg at Haji Ali", he added.

When asked what prompted this press release, his eyes became watery as he recounted the traumatic incidents. "One day, I was making fun of a few Marathi sissies as they were shivering in the 'cold' weather [1], whereas I was sweating even in my shorts. Then another day, I was claiming how it is so difficult to find good North Indian food in this freaking city. I guess someone got tired of all this and reported me to the Sena thugs.", he explained, dejected.

In addition to proclaiming his forced love for Mumbai, Rahul has taken other measures too. His phone calls now always begin with "Mee Rahul bolto", he pronounces Vikhroli as "Vikrodi", and given sufficient alcohol, he can admit that Dada Kondke is his favourite actor.

As we interviewed Rahul at the local bus stop, it was hard to ignore some grim realities in his statement. For example, a Marathi-only signboard to an untrained North Indian eye looks like "woogaboluloooloo", which in this reporter's humble opinion, is a tad difficult to interpret. The interview was cut short, as Rahul ran towards a bus, shouting "Thaamba thaamba!", having failed to read yet another bus number in time.


[1] I was tempted to use the slang for 'cat' but this is a family blog (as I like to believe). Anyway, I think the day Mumbai mirror proudly reported that Mumbai was 0.5 degrees colder than Delhi, millions of Marathi manoos' would have had multiple orgasms. Delhites, on the other hand, just shrugged and dismissed it as a heat wave (the temperature, not the orgasms).

Beware! Hot steamy pile of .... ahead!

“IBM is driven by a high-performance culture, a place where employees are able to contribute at the upper limits of their potential and continually build market-valued skills and capabilities in both formal training and experiential learning. In support of that expectation on the part of our workforce, we are pioneering new ways for our people to certify their skill levels as both a validation of their value to clients and to reinforce the quality of our employees’ personal skill sets.”

A management drone from IBM made this comment after IBM fired 700 fresh employees (article). They say that life evolved from single cell organisms. Empty-headed jargon-belching retards are clearly the missing links in this chain of evolution.

And being an ex-IBMer (no, I wasn't one of the illustrious 700), I can say that the jargon quoted above is at par with what a sample MBA-holding can't-tell-his-head-from-his-ass manager would say on an off day.

Phew! feels good to get all that venom out!